Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

idup ganu weh!

2012-01-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

haha...this is just a random pix taken from fb. Courtesy of FB: Gambar Lawak.

I love you. I do.

2012-01-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

The only guy that will ever be good enough for you Is the one who thinks he doesn't deserve you. :)

If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I love you. :)

In your absence my heart grows stronger. In your presence I fall in love again. :)

Maybe a part of loving is learning to let go...

2012-01-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

......................

Tenanglah Abang di sana....A true story worth to read...

2011-12-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

Hey there peeps, do take your time reading this ya. I promise you guys..it's going to be worthy to spend time reading this... BTW, I got this from a friend's page on FB (courtesy of and many thanks to Muhammad Nazrul) :)
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Mak pandang jenazah abang yang terbaring kaku. Walaupun muka sembap, perut membusung, namun mak nampak ketenangan pada wajah abang.

Mak ambil pisau. Mak potong baju-T yang tersarung pada tubuh abang, baju terkahir yang abang pakai, Mak terpaksa potong kerana kerana baju itu tidak muat untuk melalui perut abang yang 'buncit'.

Tapi, mak akan simpan baju itu. Mak tak cuci, sesekali boleh mak cium baju itu, sekadar pengubat rindu di hati. Kemudian abah kendong tubuh abang ke pangkin yang telah disediakan. Lalu abah dan mak mandikan jenazah abang. Hanya kami berdua. Mak tak mahu orang lain. Biar tangan abah dan mak yang menjiruskan air buat kali terakhir pada tubuh kecil abang.

Mak nampak anak mata abah, berkaca-kaca, setitis dua air matanya tumpah, mengalir di pipi, tapi cepat-cepat abah sapu dengan lengan sasanya.

"Bang, jangan menangis. Kita selesaikan hingga ke titisan terakhir," begitulah kata mak pada abah.

Setelah abang dimandikan, mak bantu abah kapankan jenazah abang. Pun hanya kami berdua juga. Biar tangan kami saja yang memakai dan membalutkan kain terakhir pada tubuh abang.

"Kakak, jangan menangis. Tak baik buat abang macam tu!"

Itu pesan mak semasa kakak-kakak mahu mengucup dahi abang buat kali terakhir. Abah pula selepas mengucup dahi abang, cepat-cepat abah menjauh memalingkan muka.

Mak nampak air mata abah berjuntaian membasahi pipi. Dan buat kali terakhir itu juga, mak usap dahi abang. Mak senyum, lantas kucup dahi abang.

Mak bisikkan: "Abang tunggu mak di syurga ya!"

Akhirnya, wajah abang 'ditutup'. Kami sembahyangkan abang buat kali terakhir. Ramai betul jemaah yang turut serta. Setelah itu, kami bawa abang ke tanah perkuburan.

Abah masuk ke dalam liang lahad untuk menyambut jenazah abang. Alhamdulillah, semua kerja dipermudahkan. Abang sudah selamat di sana.

Bertubi-tubi mak terima ucapan takziah daripada tetamu yang datang. Abang nak tahu, ada satu soalan yang mereka tanyakan pada mak.

Soalan itu asyik terngiang-ngiang di telinga mak. Tanya mereka: "Kakak uruskan jenazah anak kandung sendiri, tapi setitis air mata pun air mata akak tak jatuh ke pipi?! Kenapa kakak tidak menangis?" Itulah soalan mereka.

Mereka hairan kenapa mak tidak menangis, sebaliknya bibir mak tidak lekang dengan senyuman. Kenapa mak masih mampu tersenyum di saat memangku sekujur tubuh yang pernah berada dalam rahim mak dulu???

Petang itu, mak duduk di satu sudut di ruang tamu rumah. Mak terfikir tentang soalan mereka itu. Mak tak tahu nak jawab macam mana. Kemudian, mak nampak sebuah diari di atas para di sudut ruang tamu.

Lantas mak capai diari kecil itu. Di dalamnya tercatat peristiwa yang berlaku sepanjang empat tahun dua bulan mak membesarkan abang.

Mak selak helaian demi helaian paparan kertas dalam diari yang sedikit usang itu. Aduh! Banyak sungguh memori yang tercatat di dalamnya.

Membacanya bagaikan meruntun jiwa mak kembali mengenangkan perjalanan derita abang sejak lahir hingga menghembuskan nafas terakhir.

Mata mak terpaku pada catatan peristiwa lebih kurang tiga bulan sebelum abang pergi. Mak rasa, di sinilah terkandung jawapan yang mak cari-cari.

Jawapan untuk soalan yang mereka tanya kenapa mak tidak menangis? Mak akan bacakan sedikit rentetan diari ini supaya mereka tahu kenapa mak tidak menangis, sayang.

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Januari 2011- Perut abang semakin membusung kerana hati membengkak. Kata doktor, semua organ dalaman abang sudah rosak,sudah 'reput'. Tak boleh diselamatkan lagi. Tidak mengapa. Hati mak berkata, cukuplah! Tidak akan ada lagi pembedahan untuk abang.

26 Februari 2011- Hari ini ulang tahun ke-4 abang. Dua hari sebelum itu, mak tanya, abang nak kek apa? Abang jawab, nak kek lori sampah!

Hah Hah Hah.. Tergelak mak. Abang suka sangat melihat lori sampah yang lalu setiap pagi depan rumah. Sebab itu abang nak kek bentuk lori sampah...

Puas mak dan abah melilau sekitar Kuala Lumpur, tapi tak jumpa kek macam tu. Tak ada yang sanggup buat kek macam yang abang minta.

Mak kecewa! Selama ini, mak tunaikan apa saja permintaan abang, tapi kali ini mak gagal. Mak belikan kek coklat strawberi sebagai pengganti.

Dengan perut membusung, dada berombak kerana sukar bernafas, abang masih tersenyum dan nampak ceria melayan rakan-rakan yang datang, sama-sama menyanyikan lagu hari jadi abang. Dan ketika itu, hati mak sudah terdetik, mungkin ini hari jadi abang yang terakhir.

7 Mac 2011- Keadaan abang semakin kritikal. Perut abang semakin besar. Abang tak mampu nak bergerak, lebih banyak terbaring dan asyik sesak nafas. Mak tak tahan lihat keadaan abang.

Mak bawa abang ke IJN, rumah 'kedua' abang sepanjang tempoh hayat abang. Kata doktor, tiada apa yang boleh dilakukan lagi.

Abang hanya menanti waktu. Mak angguk perlahan. Mak redha. Dalam hati mak juga sudah berkata, masa abang tidak lama lagi.

Para ibu di wad tersebut asyik bertanya pada mak, macam mana dengan abang? Mak jawab: "InsyaAllah, abang akan sihat!"

Mak terpaksa cakap begitu pada mereka, sebab mak tak mahu mereka semua lemah semangat jika mereka tahu abang sudah tiada harapan lagi.

Mereka pun sama, masing-masing bertarung dengan ujian apabila anak yang dikasihi ditimpa penyakit. Jadi biarlah jawapan yang mak beri itu kedengaran manis pada telinga mereka. Pahitnya, biarlah mak sendiri telan.

13 Mac 2011- Hari Ahad. Mak minta kebenaran doktor untuk bawa abang pulang ke rumah . Doktor izinkan. Biarlah abang habiskan waktu-waktu terakhir bersama keluarga. Dan di saat-saat akhir ini, mak mahu tunaikan apa saja permintaan abang.

Di rumah, setiap hari mak akan tanya: "Abang nak apa hari ni?"

Mak masih ingat pada suatu pagi, abang menjawab: "Mak, abang nak naik kereta bomba!"

Mak termenung dengar permintaan abang. Bila abah pulang ke rumah, terus mak ajak abah keluar. Abah tanya pergi mana? Mak jawab: "Balai bomba!"

Sampai di situ, mak minta izin pegawai bomba. Mak kata, abang teringin nak merasa naik ke dalam trak bomba. Pegawai itu garu-garu kepala, kemudiannya menggeleng-gelengkan kepala.

Belum sempat pegawai bomba itu menjawab, lantas mak tarik baju abang ke paras dada. Separuh berbisik, mak beritahu pegawai itu: "Encik, ini anak bongsu saya dan hanya menanti masa untuk 'pergi'! Benarkan saya tunaikan impian terakhirnya ini!"

Bila lihat perut abang yang buncit dan dada dipenuhi kesan parut dan jahitan, pegawai itu tak tunggu lama. Terus dicapainya kunci, dibuka pintu salah satu trak bomba itu.

Dia dukung abang, letakkan ke atas tempat duduk bahagian pemandu. Abang nampak gembira sangat biarpun cuma 15 minit sahaja abang di dalam trak itu. Abang tak perasan, mak palingkan muka lima saat. Sekadar mahu mengelap titisan air mata yang mula bertakung...

Hari lain, mak tanya lagi: "Abang nak apa?"

Abang jawab: "Abang nak naik lori sampah!"

Mak dukung abang, tunggu depan rumah. Bila lori sampah lalu pagi itu menjalankan rutinnya mengutip sampah, Mak tahan lori itu.

"Encik, anak saya teringin naik lori ni. Boleh izinkan sebentar?"

Pekerja itu tertawa mendengar kata-kata mak. Kemudian, mak angkat baju abang dan beritahu perkara sama. Terus berubah mimik wajah mereka.

Segera mereka dukung abang, letakkan di tempat duduk pemandu. Ada di antara pekerja itu yang memalingkan muka, tak sangup lihat abang lama-lama. Sedih agaknya...

Begitulah seterusnya. Setiap hari, mak akan tanya pertanyaan yang sama. Abang kalau nak tengok gajah, mak bawa abang pergi zoo. Walaupun abang tak larat jalan, tak apa. Mak dan abah tidak kisah, kami silih berganti dukung abang.

Abang kata nak tengok burung, mak bawa ke taman burung. Abang kata nak main permainan robot, mak bawa ke kompleks beli-belah yang ada permainan seperti itu. Ke mana saja abang nak pergi, semuanya mak tunaikan!

Setiap hari juga mak tanya abang nak makan apa. Macam-macam abang teringin nak makan. Murtabak, nasi paprik, milo ais, cendol, air tebu, air bandung, rojak dan macam-macam lagi, semuanya mak tunaikan walaupun makanan itu abang minta pada pukul 3.00 pagi!!!

Apa saja yang teringin oleh tekak abang, semua mak cari walaupun abang sekadar menjamahnya sesudu dua. Apa saja abang pinta, kami tunaikan...

Mak tahu, mak faham, masa abang bersama mak dan abah semakin suntuk!

27 Mac 2011- Keadaan Abang semakin kritikal! Nak bercakap pun terlalu lemah, apatah lagi untuk bergerak. Mata kuyu, hanya terbaring sambil memeluk Aina, anak patung kesayangan abang. Mak ajak abah bawa abang ke hospital.

"Kali ini kita bawa abang ke IJN, tapi kita mungkin akan keluar dengan tubuh abang yang sudah tidak bernafas!"

Itu kata-kata mak pada abah sebelum bertolak ke IJN. Mak mahu abah bersedia dan redha jika apa-apa berlaku. Sampai di IJN, abang terus ditempatkan di wad khas untuk pesakit kritikal.

5 April 2011- Mak telefon sekolah asrama kakak yang sulung di Seremban. Mak minta pelepasan daripada cikgu untuk benarkan kakak pulang.

"Adik tenat. Saya mahu kakak-kakaknya berada di sampingnya pada saat-saat terakhir!"

Itu kata-kata mak pada cikgu dan akak diizinkan pulang pada hari ini. Kemudian, Dr. Adura. ; doktor yang sinonim merawat abang datang melawat.

Mak memang rajin bercerita dengan Dr. Adura. Kebetulan mak ceritakan yang mak terkilan tak dapat tunaikan permintaan abang mahukan kek berbentuk lori sampah.

7 April 2011- Pagi ini Dr. Adura datang melawat abang. Kemudian Dr. Adura beritahu ada surprise untuk abang tengah hari ini.

Rupa-rupanya, tengah hari itu datang tetamu yang juga rakan-rakan alam maya Dr. Adura membawa kek lori yang abang mahukan sebelum ini.

Ada dua kek mereka bawa. Mak tak sangka, Dr Adura tulis di dalam blognya kisah abang dan ramai yang mahu menyediakan kek yang abang pinta...

Sekali lagi, para tetamu bersama jururawat dan doktor menyanyikan lagu selamat ulang tahun untuk abang. Tapi abang kurang ceria, wajah abang tampak letih dan nafas abang turun naik...

8 April 2011- Tengah hari ini, masih ada lagi tetamu datang membawa kek berbentuk lori warna pink untuk abang. Tapi abang sekadar lemah. Abang sekadar terbaring merenung kek itu...

Malam itu, semasa jururawat mengambil tekanan darah abang, bacaannya meningkat naik. Sangat memberangsangkan! Tapi hati mak dapat rasakan abang hanya sekadar mahu meredakan keresahan hati mak. Malam itu, hanya mak berdua dengan abang di dalam bilik.

Mak pandang sayu wajah abang yang semakin lesu dan pucat. Mak duduk di sebelah abang, mak peluk dan usap rambut abang. Mak menangis teresak-esak bagai anak kecil.

Dalam tangis itu, mak katakan pada abang: "Mak tahu abang nak senangkan hati mak. Abang tak perlu buat macam tu. Mak tahu abang nak pergi".

"Jangan tahan-tahan abang. Pergilah. Mak sudah sedia. Mak redha segalanya. Mak puas dapat sempurnakan apa saja hajat yang abang minta. Mak juga bangga kerana Allah hadirkan abang dalam hidup mak walaupun seketika!"

Abang hanya diam, memandang mak dengan pandangan lesu. Dan ketika itu mak menangis sepuas-puasnya. Dan mak berjanji tidak akan menangis lagi selepas itu! Ya, mak tidak akan menangis lagi biarpun abang sudah tiada lagi di dunia fana ini...

9 April 2011-

Abang dalam kisah ini adalah adik Iqbal Fahreen Hamdan, anak bongsu daripada lima beradik. Abang masuk hospital seawal usia dua minggu akibat menghidapi lima jenis kompilasi jantung termasuklah kekurangan injap, jantung berlubang dan saluran sempit. Abang telah menjalani pelbagai siri pembedahan seawal usia dua bulan dan ada antara pembedahan seawal usia dua bulan dan ada di antara pembedahannya gagal. Malah abang pernah disahkan 'mati' apabila jantungnya berhenti berdenyut.

Walaupun pada awalnya doktor menjangkakan hayat abang tidak lama selepas lahir ke dunia, namun ternyata anak kecil ini mampu bertahan sehingga usia empat tahun untuk meninggalkan kenangan terindah dalam hidup Jamilah (ibu) dan Hamdan (bapa).

Pagi itu mak pesan pada abah agar bawa semua anak-anak datang ke hospital. Masa abang dah dekat sangat. Mak lihat abang dah teramat kritikal. Wajah abang sudah tampak biru, lebam! Dada berombak, tercungap-cungap menarik nafas.

Abang dah tak mampu bercakap lagi sejak malam tadi. Makan minum pun tak mahu. Pukul 8.00 pagi, abah dan kakak sampai.

Mak suruh Kak Long bacakan Yaasin di sebelah abang. Mak suruh abah baca juga, tapi bacaan abah tersekat-sekat kerana cuba menahan tangisnya.

Pukul 3.00 petang, abang semakin lesu. Lantas mak ajak abang keluar berjalan-jalan.

"Abang, nak tengok matahari tak? Jom kita turun kantin minum sambil tengok matahari!"

Abang hanya mengangguk lemah. Mak dukung abang dan kita satu keluarga turun ke kantin. Abang mahu minum air coklat. Tapi abang hanya minum seteguk. Kemudian, abang lentukkan kepala pada bahu mak.

"Abang, tu tengok kat luar tu? nampak tak sinar matahari tu? Cantikkan?"

Mak tunjuk pada abang sinar matahari yang kelihatan di celah-celah rintik hujan yang turun waktu itu.

Abang angkat kepala melihat ke arah matahari itu. Kemudian, abang menguap.

"Abang ngantuk!" Itu kata abang dan kemudian abang terlentuk semula pada bahu mak.

Tiba-tiba jantung mak berdegup kencang.

"Bang, jom naik. Abang nak 'tidur'! Mak terus ajak abah dan kakak naik semula ke wad walaupun mereka belum sempat jamah makanan di atas meja."

Mak tahu, masa abang sudah hampir tiba!

Sampai di wad, mak baringkan abang atas katil. Dan abang terus merintih dalam nada yang lemah: "Makkk..sakit perut..!"

Dan abang terus memanggil: "Makkkkk!". Suara abang perlahan dan amat sayu bunyinya. Lantas mak letak tapak tangan mak atas dahi abang.

"Abang, hari ini, waktu ini, saat ini, mak redhakan abang pergi. Mak halalkan segala makan minum abang. Mak halalkan air susu mak untuk abang. Pergilah abang. Mak izinkan abang pergi!"

Mak ucapkan kata-kata itu sambil merenung jauh ke dalam mata abang yang semakin kuyu. Saat abang sedang nazak itu, mak panggil kakak-kakak agar mengucup abang selagi abang masih bernafas. Mereka kucup pipi abang bertalu-talu dan mula meraung dan menangis.

"Kakak! Kalau kamu semua nak menangis, keluar dari bilik ini! Mak tak mahu abang dengar kamu menangis! Jangan seksa abang dengan tangisan kamu!"

Mak marah mereka buat begitu pada abang. Mak tak mahu abang lihat kami menangisi pemergian abang. Mak tahu, abang akan jadi lebih sedih dan berat hati untuk pergi bila melihat kami menangis di saat akhir sakaratul maut menjemput abang.

Mak tak mahu tambahkan lagi kesedihan abang untuk meninggalkan kami. Abah pula hanya berdiri di penjuru bilik, meraup wajah menahan suara tangisannya.

Jururawat yang ada dalam bilik juga menangis, mak suruh jururawat keluar dan tutup tirai bilik itu. Mak tak mahu orang luar lihat. Mak tak mahu ada orang menangis di saat abang akan pergi. Setitis dua mengalir juga air mata mak. Tapi mak masih mampu tersenyum.

"Pergilah abang. Mak izinkan. Mak izinkan.. Pergilah..!" Dan perlahan-lahan mata abang yang layu tertutup rapat, genggaman tangan abang pada jari mak semakin lemah dan akhirnya terlepas...

Pukul 3.50 petang, akhirnya abang meninggalkan dunia fana ini. Innalillah... Mak kucup dahi abang. Mak bisikkan di telinga abang: "Tenanglah abang di sana. Suatu hari nanti, mak juga pasti akan turuti jejak abang. Abang... tunggu mak di sana ya! Di syurga!"

Abang, sekarang mak dah dapat jawapannya. Mengapa mak tidak menangis?

Pertama, abang telah ditakdirkan menjadi ahli syurga yang akan membantu mak di sana nanti.

Kedua, apa saja keinginan abang semasa hayat abang telah mak tunaikan. Tiada lagi rasa terkilan di hati mak.

Ketiga, segala hutang sebagai seorang ibu telah mak langsaikan semasa hayat abang. Mak telah sunatkan dan buat akikah untuk abang.

Keempat, mak telah menjalankan tanggungjawab sepenuhnya, sentiasa berada di sisi abang dan menggembirakan abang setiap saat dan waktu.

Kelima, mak rasa istimewa dipilih Allah untuk mendapat anak seperti abang. Mak jadi 'kaya' dengan kehadiran abang. Kaya kesabaran, kaya tawadhuk, kaya keredhaan , kaya keimanan, kaya kawan, kaya ilmu, dan kaya ilmu pengetahuan.

Mak telah beri segala-galanya melebihi 100% untuk abang. Mak telah beri yang terbaik dan mak telah berusaha hingga ke garisan penamat. Sebab itu mak tak perlu menangis lagi...

Abang.. biarpun kini hidup mak dan abah terasa sunyi dan kosong tanpa abang... mak akan sentiasa tersenyum mengenangkan saat-saat terindah kehadiran abang dalam hidup kami biarpun cuma sebentar.

Abang, tenanglah abang di sana, ameen...

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True indeed.

2011-10-18T03:56:00.000-07:00

"You can’t please everybody because sometimes you have to hurt someone to make another one happy."

Heartless...beyond idiotic...

2011-10-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

See...how heartless people can be...MasyaAllah...Nauzubillah...

What happened?

A Chinese kid was hit by a car. The driver noticed that the kid was injured, but decided to continue his way and hit the kid again with his back wheel.

18 people passed by the kid and did not seem to care for what happened. A further car is coming on the road and hit the kid once more. Tragic.

After 10 minutes, someone carried the kid out of the road and the mother came.

This happened on a busy street in Guangzhou Foshan (see the small shop around there. The shop owner and the passing people did not care at all)

The father who talks explains what the driver of the car has told him. All he asked was his bank account number and how much compensation he wants.

What do you think peeps???? Seriously???

Remaja kita...

2011-10-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

Ignorance + Ego = Tak ke mana pun

http://www.sinarharian.com.my/sh/com/content/story9643506.asp

Wake up wahai remaja sekalian...

A ghost without a home...

2011-10-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

A ghost without a home...

I whisper in the silence

craving for a place to stay

unworthy not even for a pence..

can't even beat 20cents worth of shining on a tray...

Soft like a piece of cotton wool...

then sucked and placed in a vacuum...

hollow.

used to be valued.

used to be overwhelmed.

but the feeling's gone.

nothing but a waste of space.

everyone passes by and ignores me.

i'm just a ghost without a home.

written by,

aNs,

6 Oct 2011.

while listening to Gray Catbird by Dan Gibson.

Hooray!!!

2011-10-06T01:02:00.000-07:00

What a relief. It's REWARD time! Hooray :)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BEL011: Famous Speech assignment...

2011-08-16T05:13:00.000-07:00

Salam and good day peeps especially to my lovely BEL011 kids. As promised, I will share some of the videos to get you started and some useful links for your "Famous Speech" assignment. Good luck people (PD0021B & PD0021H)

Useful links:

http://www.famous-speeches-and-speech-topics.info/famous-short-speeches/

http://www.famousquotes.me.uk/directory-famous-speeches.htm

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/top100speechesall.html

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

2011-08-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W; peace and blessings be upon him) said: Whoever fasts during Ramadhan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. Whoever prays during the nights in Ramadhan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. And he who passes Lailatul-Qadar in prayer with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven.

~ Hadith reported by Al-Bukhari ~

Temple of the King - Rainbow

2011-07-04T04:15:00.000-07:00

A song presentation from Fazrien, Nizam and Azahari from PD0021H (4 July 2011)

The Lyrics

One day in the year of the fox

Came a time remembered well

When the strong young man of the rising sun

Heard the tolling of the great black bell

One day in the year of the fox

When the bell began to ring

Meant the time had cometh

For one to go

To the temple of the king

There in the middle of the circle he stands

Searching, seeking

With just one touch of his trembling hand

The answer will be found

Daylight waits while the old man sings

Heaven help me

And then like the rush of a thousand wings

It shines upon the one

And the day had just begun

One day in the year of the fox

Came a time remembered well

When the strong young man of the rising sun

Heard the tolling of the great black bell

One day in the year of the fox

When the bell began to sing

It meant the time had cometh

For one to go

To the temple of the king

There in the middle of the people

He stands

Seeing, feeling

With just a wave of a strong right hand

He's gone

To the temple of the king

Far from the circle at the edge of the world

He's hoping, wondering

Thinking back from the stories he's heard

Of what he's going to see

There in middle of the circle it lies

Heaven help me

Then all could see by the shine in his eyes

The answer had been found

Back with the people in the circle

He stands

Giving, feeling

With just one touch of a strong right hand

They know

Of the temple and the king

....................

Discussion:

1) Why did you guys choose this song?

2) What is the song all about?

Eric Saade - Break of Dawn

2011-06-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Eric Saade - Break of Dawn

I don't wanna wake up lonely
I can't stand another night alone in my bed
Missing, hoping
At the break of dawn
I won't let go
Won't give up no

Think about home when you're far away
Think about me when I wake up and you're gone
At the break of dawn
Think about us when we said forever
Think about me and remember I'm alone
At the break of dawn
At the break of dawn

I keep dreaming you'll be with me
I believe that somewhere down the line you'll be mine
In the twilight
I feel your beating heart
I won't let go
Won't give up no

Think about home when you're far away
Think about me when I wake up and you're gone
At the break of dawn
Think about us when we said forever
Think about me and remember I'm alone
At the break of dawn
At the break of dawn

My hands were cold and dry
Your cheeks were red
We promised that we'd love forever
That's what we said
That's what we said

Think about home when you're far away
Think about me when I wake up and you're gone
At the break of dawn
Think about us when we said forever
Think about me and remember I'm alone
At the break of dawn
At the break of dawn
At the break of dawn

Bruno Mars - Who Is

2011-06-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

Who Is Lyrics

Oh, I was perfect
For the circus
If she did me, I do it
Love makes you stupid
I gave it up but I guess it was not enough
Cause she never seemed satisfied
(Oohh)
I know I'm not perfect
But at the end of the day
Who is ?
(Oohh)
She wanted someone that's perfect
Well okay
But can you tell me who is ?
(Oohh x2)
She set the bar
Just above the stars
A rocket couldn't reach it
But I still kept on reaching
She watched me try
At least a thousand times
If she loved me, She'd stop me but no...
(Oohh)
I know I'm not perfect
But at the end of the day
Who is?
(Oohh)
She wanted someone that's perfect
Well okay
But can you tell me who is ?
I saw something worth my future
So wrong

So wrong
In my mind I was all it took

But I guess I wasn't wrong
(Oohh)
I know I'm not perfect
But at the end of the day
Who is ?
(Oohh)
She wanted someone that's perfect
Well okay
But can you tell me who is ?
(Oohh x2)

Bidadari

2011-06-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

Mama. She's my bidadari..

Hmmm... wish I had her with me now, hugging me and telling me that it's going to be ok.

Mama, I miss you so much.

Everyday, I have to go through this weird feeling; seeing how they have the luxury of talking to their moms through phone.

Everyday, I see the same scene... mothers taking their children to school.

Everyday, I hear the same voices calling for their moms..."Mak, mak!"

How nice it is to be loved by a mother...kan, kan, kan... To have the warmth smile, cuddling you through thick and thin. Owh.. so soothing. I bet it's nicer if I had one. Jealous. Oh boy, I miss you mama.. I wonder what are you doing up there? Are you ok? Gwaenchanayo? Do you eat well? Are you happy? Are you smiling? Do you miss us here? We miss you.... so much.

It's father's day. How nice it'd be if you could join abah for the party. I think he misses you dearly...he just won't admit that he misses you. You know...guys..;p

Do you think it's childish for me to miss my bidadari? Maybe I should tell you this... You are darn lucky to have your moms around! Seriously. Days without a mother is like having your cereal without milk. Nothing works without the presence of a mother! Nothing! Please love your mother... I hate seeing how people have the guts to leave their mother like a stray cat... Or like a dumb, debile, old, crappy woman alone..waiting and waiting for her children to come home.. Helpless. Restless. Pointless.

Ok... Be there for her! She's always there for you, remember?! Come on... where's the good heart of yours?! Use it....

Thank you mama and all moms out there.. for everything! Thank you thank you thank you...

P/s - I love you.

The English language...

2011-06-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, I found this nice poem when I was doing my spring cleaning in my office..and I thought it'd be nice if people can read this beautiful poem about English language.... So, here it goes...

The English language

a kingdom

and

a sleeping beauty.

You must

awaken her

in yourself,

and the whole kingdom

will come to life

and be

yours.

L.L. Szkutnik

I can handle it...

2011-06-15T04:11:00.000-07:00

I can handle it...

The tears...

The sweat...

The voice...

The whisper...

The howl...

The shout...

The clapperclaw...

The stare...

and the sigh...

in the middle of some dark, 'solitary' nights...

in the midst of the choleric dawn...

Damn, I could have sworn I'd wish to be elsewhere for million times...

Keep on wishing...

Keep on thinking...

Keep on holding...

The promise...

The vows...

The lines...

It's THE smile that keeps me strong...

It's THE smile that makes my day...

I think I can make it!

I can handle it!

Yeah, I can handle it!

aNs

15 June 2011

TJI7, Jengka, Pahang

The curse...

2011-04-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

"Loneliness is always looking for a friend. It found me once and it has been around since then...."

Am I cursed?

Urgh... I envy those who have partners whom they can look up to. I am green with envy for those who have fantabulous companions whom they can share stuff with. Hmm.. as I recall, I have never been this covetous before I lost...well, you can say...pretty much everything. That's what they say when they lost people they love(d) right?! Whenever I see happy people enjoying their lives with their partners, it makes me want to puke on my black-colored carpet of my car!

Note to self: I am now avaricious and I will try my level best to do anything for love! (Errk...suddenly I sound strangely prehensile...oh boy, I don't want to be too greedy...but I think I deserve it..at least a bit...)

Why am I here? Why am I alone.... aigoo... I feel so beaten up... This swollen heart. I wonder when will it heal... If not today, tomorrow perhaps...if not? Maybe the next day...

I don't want to end up alone.

Ok. That's all.

-> Luahan perasaan pada hari Khamis, 21 April tatkala para pelajar sedang sibuk menjalani peperiksaan akhir. Mood: PMS

p/s - Good luck to all!

OK... I'm officially back...online! Yippie..

2011-04-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Ok. Announcement: My old number is back! It's ON! I'm ONLINE! Yeay! So, kindly reach for my arms using that number ya...; 012970....

Ok, that's all.

TQ.

ATTENTION: SIM glitch....

2011-04-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum, salam sejahtera and salam 1 Malaysia...

I am utterly and awfully sorry if I have not replied any of your SMS(es) and calls as my number (012-970....) is facing some technical glitch at the moment. I cannot make any calls, I cannot send any texts, I cannot receive calls and SMSes or MMSes and I cannot update my status online for the time being.

I am so sorry for such inconvenience.

As for now, I am going to use this number temporarily till my number is fixed.

013-3270334

TQVM

Regards,

Ahmad Niza Syazre, Monday, 11 April 2011.

It's impossible...(A letter of a broken hearted boy)

2011-03-06T04:29:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum and a very good day,

Pheeeww.... I feel like singing Xtina's "It's Impossible" at the moment. Ok. Off limit. Trust me, this has nothing to do with the song...no relation whats o'er.

The truth is, I think it's just impossible for us to get back on track. It's just impossible. What we had for over a year seems to be wasted now. (Sigh). I am sorry for everything. I am also happy to see how happy you are now with THE new guy. Seriously, I am happy. I hope he is way better than I am or was for that matter.

I now dedicate this song for you. It is a song performed by Misha Omar; "Kau Yang Amat Ku Sayang". Darling, thank you for everything. You have made my life perfect...at least I felt good whenever I was with you. Those sweet memories; driving to the light city, buying you gifts, hanging out with your friends, going to unrated places, watching movies, shopping and window-shopping, watching the balloons fly by, a series of tasting various dishes (oh boy, that was fun), sitting in the car while waiting for the hard rain to stop, listening to your bad day stories... and what comes to my mind now is the most precious memory; ... Remember when you were awfully ill that day? I came and took you to the medical centre. Yes. It was a good day for me as I had the chance to display my caring, cuddly, husband-ly and fatherly side. I miss all those. On top of all, I miss you.

It's ok. Things happen for a reason, am I right?! I guess, we are better off without each other. One thing I beg from you. I hope we can still be friends. We're all grownups. I believe that this will crave smiles on our faces when we are older. Looking back at those years. Wow. How enticing; reminiscing the good old days. Huhu.

I wish you all the best with your life. I hope you guys can make it through thick and thin. Be the sweet, cute couple ya!

Regards,
Me, myself and I.

...........................

Crap. I feel so crappy-ly awkward. I don't know why but I feel so defeated now. I even feel like a loser. I feel like a car is being dropped on top of me from a 20-storey building. Darn. Darn. Darn. I hate this feeling. Falling out of love is hard for me. Now you expect me to move along?! Oh boy, oh boy...that's tough! I'm sorry, I can't play along with you this time. I choose to excuse myself from the game. Good luck my darling. Goodnight.

BEL260 - Group Discussion (The Do's & Don'ts)

2011-02-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentle of all ages, here's some tips and guidelines for your speaking test....

What you should DO for BEL260 Speaking Test:

1. Check your session before the test : date, time, venue...

2. Be at the exam venue at least 5 minutes before the test

3. Bring in ONLY pen and(or) pencil

4. The first round is Task A:

Task A - Individual Suggestion (8 minutes) :

(After you settle down to start the session, you will be given 2 minutes to prepare your response)
-> Candidate A will then start his/her personal/individual presentation. At this point, there should be no argument or interruption.
-> The rest of the group members (those who are not presenting at that moment of time) should jot down some relevant points to be used for Task B.
-> Please focus and listen to everyone's presentation.

Candidate A - 2 minutes presentation.
Candidate B - 2 minutes presentation.
Candidate C - 2 minutes presentation.
Candidate D - 2 minutes presentation.

5. The individual suggestion MUST consist the followings:

a. Intro

b. Thesis Statement
(the Suggestion +
Topic Sentence 1 (WHY 1),
Topic Sentence 2 (WHY 2),
Topic Sentence 3 (WHY 3))

c. Topic Sentences (3 'WHY-s' of Suggestion)

d. Supporting Details (3 - WHY 1, WHY 2, WHY 3)
- Elaboration
- Examples

* The second round is Task B (10 minutes): Group discussion.

Task B - Group Discussion and Conclusion (Decision) - 10 minutes

1. Observe the time limit for the Group Discussion and Conclusion:

1000 - 0100 : Group Discussion

0100 - 0000 : Conclusion & Decision (agreed by everyone) by Group Leader

2. The conclusion must consist of:
- ALL the suggestions made by Candidate A, B, C and D
- The Best Suggestion (Decision) MUST be agreed by everyone - failure to make the decision will result in reduction of marks for Task Fulfillment (Content)

3. Fully utilise the time allocated for the test.

4. Produce clear voice with correct intonation and pronunciation.

Guys,

Please REMEMBER to:

1. Check your session before the test : date, time, venue

2. Be at the exam venue at least 5 minutes before the test

3. Bring in ONLY pen and(or) pencil

4. Observe the time limit:

1000 - 0900 : Intro by Group Leader

0900 - 0700 : Candidate A

0700 - 0500 : Candidate B

0500 - 0300 : Candidate C

0300 - 0100 : Candidate D

0100 - 0000 : Conclusion & Decision by Group Leader

5. Make sure that the individual suggestion consists of the followings:

1. Intro

2. Thesis Statement

3. Topic Sentences (3)

4. Supporting Details (3)
- Elaboration
- Examples

5. Produce clear voice with correct intonation and pronunciation.

What you should NOT DO:

1. Overshadow others.
2. Not participating in the discussion (passive).
3. Not giving chances for others to speak.
4. Abusing the time limit.
5. Not respecting others.
6. Using abusive language.
7. Bring in "pre-prepared" notes before the session.

All the best! ;p

Only One by Yellowcard

2011-02-24T17:17:00.001-08:00

Only One lyrics

Broken this f……… thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the p………

And I've t……… my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a r………

I f…… so broken up (so broken up)

And I g…… up (I give up)

I just want to t…… you so you know

Here I go, s……… my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me l…… you do

You are my only, my only one

Made my m………, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my w…… life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're g……

And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel l…… giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out u…… you know

Here I go, scream my l…… out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, t…… just no one who gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

Here I go so d………

L……… a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right t……… me

So let me go and you will find s…………

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one, no one like you

You are my only, my only one

My only one

You are my only, my only one

Pictures of You by The Last Goodnight

2011-02-24T16:19:00.001-08:00

Can't Smile Without You by Barry Manilow

2011-02-22T01:39:00.000-08:00

You know I can't s………….. without you
I can't s………… without you
I can't l………… and I can't s…..
I'm finding it h………. to do anything
You see I feel s……… when you're s………
I feel g……….. when you're g………
If you only k…………. what I'm going th………….
I just can't s…………… without you
You came a………… just like a s………..
And brightened my d………
Who'da believed that you were part of a d…………("who would have believed…")
Now it all s………… light years away
And now you know I can't s………. without you
I can't s………… without you
I can't l………… and I can't s…………
I'm finding it h………. to do anything
You see, I feel s…….. when you're s……….
I feel g……….. when you're g………
If you only k……….. what I'm going th………..
I just can't s…………. without you
Now some people s……. happiness takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it h………. leaving your love behind me
And you see I can't s……….. without you
I can't s……… without you
I can't l………. and I can't sing
I'm finding it h……… to do anything
You see I feel g…….. when you're g………
I feel s…….. when you're s……….
If you only k……… what I'm going th………
I just can't s………. without you.

----------------------------------------------------

Can't Smile Without You

Artist: Barry Manilow as sung on "Greatest Hits"

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you
You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream? ("who would have believed…")
Now it all seems light years away
And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me
And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you...

---------------------

Thank you guys for singing this song. At first, this song was actually dedicated to you guys; celebrating the joy that you bring to my life (chewah). Then (jeng, jeng, jeng)..when you started singing it...I was so touched... Thanks a bundle again peeps of 2A and 2C.. I love you guys so much.

p/s - Muaz, please don't knock yourself too hard... It was just your first try (Zombie Kampong Pisang) Everybody makes mistake.. Feel free to try again (with different issue, of course). I'm proud of you for trying! Gambatte kuddasai!

Bruno Mars - Grenade

2011-02-22T01:31:00.000-08:00

_____________________________________________

Grenade (Bruno Mars) lyrics

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

---------------------------------------

Thank you guys (AS1172A, AS1172B, EC1101A, EC1101B, SR1131A & SR1131B) for your awe-inspiring voice. Keep it up! ;p

p/s - You COMPLETE my day. TQ TQ TQ.

Ronan Keating - If Tomorrow Never Comes

2011-02-22T01:13:00.001-08:00

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

-------------------------

Thanks to Zul and the gang from AT1101E for presenting us the song.

BEL120 - Connectors and Prepositions

I really enjoyed the singing just now.

Innocence by Avril Lavigne

2011-02-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

INNOCENCE-AVRIL LAVIGNE

Waking up I see that ________ is ok
The first______ in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look ______ and I am so amazed
I think about the ______ things that make life great
I wouldn’t _______ a thing about it
This is the best _______
[Chorus]
This innocence is ________
I _____ that it will stay
This _______ is perfect
_______ don’t go away
I need ___ now
And I’ll hold __ to it
Don’t you let it ____ you by
I ______ a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my ____ and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so _____ here
It’s so ______ and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn’t ______ a thing about it
This is the _____ feeling
[Chorus]
It’s a state of _____, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re _____
It’s so _________ it makes you wanna cry
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re ________
It’s the _______ inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna ____
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This __________ is brilliant, It Makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance Please don’t ____ away
Cause I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it, Don’t ____ let it pass you by
[Chorus]

....................................

Thank you to EC1101A and 1B.
It's a nice song. I hope you understand what you have presented in class just now.
Kudos...

What's Her Name (Whatshername) by Green Day

2011-02-21T19:34:00.000-08:00

Green Day - Whatshername

Thought I ran into you down on the street,
Then it turned out to only be a dream,
I made a point to burn all of the photographs,
She went away and then I took a different path,
I remember the face, but I can't recall the name,
Now I wonder how whatshername has been...

Seems that she disappeared without a trace,
Did she ever marry ole whatshisface,
I made a point to burn all of the photographs,
She went away and then I took a different path,
I remember the face, but I can't recall the name,
Now I wonder how whatshername has been...

Remember, whatever,
It seems like forever ago!
Remember, whatever,
It seems like forever ago!
The regrets are useless,
In my mind,
She's in my head,
I must confess!
The regrets are useless,
In my mind,
She's in my head,
From so long ago!
(Go... go... go... go...)
(Go... go... go... go... go...)
Remember in the darkest night,
If my memory serves me right,
I'll never turn back time!
Forgetting you, but not the time!

--------------------------

Wow...I never thought that this is a good song... A good song indeed! Brilliant lyrics... Thanks to EC1101A and 1B! You guys are awesome!

Congrats to you

2011-02-18T01:04:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah..

Congratulations for the new post that you will hold later. New place, new air to breathe, new people to meet. Everything is new. I must say that I am utterly proud of you though it hurts not to say this face-to-face. I guess... this is the least I could come out with. I wish you all the best in everything and may success fill your path, insyaAllah.

"I believe life is to be lived, not worked, enjoyed, not agonized, loved, not hated."

Leland Bartlett

Hard to Say I'm Sorry...

2011-02-14T21:04:00.000-08:00

Hard to Say I'm Sorry,

Chicago

"Everybody needs a little time away," I heard her say, "from each other."
"Even lover's need a holiday far away from each other."
Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to stay.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body.
Wouldn't wanna be swept away, far away from the one that I love.
Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to know.
Hold me now. I really want to tell you I'm sorry. I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.

Ataraxis, at last...

2011-02-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

At last...

Family...

They are like the SUN. They are the persons to reach for when I'm in doubt and sorrow. Thanks for looking up and looking after me all this while.

Friends...

They are the light of my life. They really know how to ease my day! It's easier to breathe when they are around. Thanks for such delightful treat.

I think I'm blessed with the presence of families and friends. I woke up with a smile today. How wonderful it is if today lasts. I wish. Ahax.

Special "ehem ehem"...
Hmmm... This is my torchlight. You are my shoulder when I feel sleepy and when my tears are falling. Sorry for ruining your shirt that day. You are a gift, sent from above to heal my heart and wound. Thanks for the consolidation. Thanks for your ears. Oh boy, you are such a comforting wool blanket when it's cold outside.

Students...

They are the lanterns in my yard. They bring joy to my life. What will I be without them? Boy, you just know how to make me smile and laugh. I love you guys so much. Thanks for ironing my energy everyday! I'm nothing without you.

Everyone else...

Yes. They complete the picture. Thanks for responding to my smile and "Hi!" Just so you know, your smile makes my day!!! Yippie...;p

I simply love you... There's space in my heart that I've secured for each and everyone of you.

Time and Happiness

2011-02-02T02:44:00.000-08:00

Today is a happy and joyful day. For one reason, more family members are coming home...the latest is by tonight. Small kids are playing outside. Look at how young those peeps are!!! Those who are anxiously waiting for SPM results are outside, having some friends over, grilling and stuff. Those who travel to JB are coming home tonight. We are waiting to celebrate the reunion party. Well, sort of. It is just coincidental. Everyone happens to be at the same place and at the same time. That's all.

A reason to cherish this day. An occasion when almost everyone treasures and seizes the moment. I am talking about picture perfect; "Family Portrait". Time to seal the misery inside and put on some smileys for the portrait. How happy it is. Awesome.

Yet, I find myself still wrapped in the blanket, unexcited. I have not taken my bath yet. I find myself hungry, not taking my meal since morning. I find myself swollen out of crying. When I woke up just now, I thought everything was just a bad dream...being the 'unwanted' things that happened recently. Not to mention the unsolved mystery which took place for over a month now. Still unsolved. (Sigh). It's freaking real! It's never a dream!

Why am I not happy? I think I am bleeding. Literally and figuratively. I am not feeling well. I am tired, so flaming tired. How I wish to have someone or something to rejuvenate me. I need to reboot and refresh now!

I've cut myself...just right at the end of my right lips. Huh?! Does that even make any sense? I am tired. My excuse for today's activity and events: "Tak sihat..." I've learned a trivial thing today. People, ketahuilah bahawa menangis itu sangat memenatkan. Crying is never easy for me. Seriously, it's hard to see me crying. Maybe my ego is high for a small guy. For an awkward reason, I have been crying endlessly since last night. Trust me...it was HORRIBLE! Horrid. I don't want to cry anymore! (So much for "cry, baby cry.")

Yeay! I know now that not everything last. Wait. NOTHING lasts actually, not even us, the fleshed soul. One day, we will leave, one way or another. They say; time heals everything. Now, time is the only thing I need to redeem and reflect. I need time to stand up again. I need time to crave a smile on my face. I need time to heal. I need time to meet people. Blimey!!! I'm so wrecked! Seriously busted up! (Sigh)

Now that everything is clear. I'll try my best not to cry anymore. It's tiring...too tiring, as a matter of fact. For what is worth, I'm sorry I've caused any of you out there trouble. I'm sorry for everything. I am not perfect. I try to be the best. I tried to paint rainbow in your world but all I've painted was red. Sorry. Sorry for everything.

It's breezy outside. But, it won't calm my restless heart. I wish the breeze in the wind can put me to rest and heal the wound. Who am I to ask all these? I am just a minute voice. Nobody hears when I scream. Nobody could care less. It's ok. I'll just scream and shout within my all-embracing blanket. It's ok.

Time to go now. My body will leave and go elsewhere with other moving subjects in this house, but my soul remains here, inside the blanket. I know there is the place where I'll be safe.

I love you. I'll always love you. Even when you are yards away, I'll still love you. Priceless, timeless. That's what you are to me. You are my everything. I hope we can be friends in the future. "Hello there, my name is Niza. Please to meet you."

Happiness relies much on the timing. If the timing is wrong, all you can get is finding yourself trapped in a soulless moving train. Without any laughter. It doesn't make sense, does it?! It's ok. One day, you'll understand me.

I'll say goodnight now. Nite peeps.

What I've been up to...hehe

2011-02-01T00:52:00.000-08:00

Well..it's holiday---not really. So, what have I done these few days? Oh...I have made friends with two gentlemen. A Chinese dude from Pasir Ris, S'pore and a Malay dude from KL. Both of them are good fellas. Anyway, it took me almost an hour.. one freaking hour to finally open my mouth, use the air I breathe to start uttering some useful words to them. What can I say...I'm a shy boy! Thanks to Mr. Tarantula and Mr. Ivan for keeping me warm. We'll definitely meet again, somehow! ;p

These couple of days have made me realized the importance of family values. Bonding with my family members has made me opened my window to see how shiny it is out there if you lead the light into your room. Even for just some ray of light. Family is the best group of people whom you look up to and share some comfort. From now on, I promise myself not to get too distant from my family, anymore...especially my dad. InsyaAllah.

I've spent some 'unfortunate' and 'unlucky' holiday at Suria Cherating Beach Resort. The place is nice. Nevertheless, I have chosen the wrong time of the year to enjoy! Oh well, it's unplanned... I guess, I can make exception there...(Pheew, there goes my saving for 2010 vacay plan!) T_T

Turtles! Actually, I have arranged some plan (last minute plan) for my new-made friends. We were supposed to spend some time for "Turtle Watch"...but....WRONG TIMING of the year! We ended up adopting three baby turtles under the program; "Adopt a turtle, save the future!" organized by the Turtle Hatch Centre in Rantau Abang. Well guys, consider that as a redemption as I had to wait for one solid hour at Angullia Beach Resort!!!! Urgh...I hate you guys!

Tonight? The pre-plan is for me to have dinner with someone. Poor that person for not going back to the hometown this semester break. I'm sorry for you. But, errm....I guess, I'll pass. I need to help my brother; Haikal and his friends for tonight's event! Here comes your daddy then.....waaaa...malasnye...like seriously malas to be pot pet pot pet ala Chef Wan...

Later this week? Wedding ceremonies....wah... This is the time when you have to put on some plastic make-up and be as gracious as you can in front of your school mates. The best part is I don't have a companion to go with! It says; "Plus One"... Should I just invite a stranger instead?! The thing is, my school friends and I were not 'that' close... I barely made or extend the conversation hour with them previously! Like seriously! Oh boy, an invitation is still an invitation. How nice of them to invite me to such marvelous occasion...Thanks. I'll try to be nice then.

Ok, those boys are calling their daddy now!!! A help is indeed a need! Toodles.

The best...

2011-01-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ok..I guess, that sums up my day...it's the best so far. The breeze...nothing can beat it..aha..like there's going to be any..;p

I miss the breezy and fresh air here. Wah...yippuna...how wonderful it is to live like this everyday...

Oh, well, I have a week at least to enjoy myself here....

Happy holiday peeps...

and

Gong Xi Fa Cai! ;p

You and Me; Departed

2011-01-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

A lot of changes happened lately. Be it the positive or not-so-positive, things still change. People change. Now, I believe that people around us change a lot. That includes me.

2011. A year with new hopes and dreams. I have set my goals even though 2010's resolution has yet to take place...well, some of them though. A new year is a new year anyway.

My prior goal is to keep on walking tall. I will not tolerate insignificant melodies to block my path. If it does, perhaps...an affricate will do...just for a while. Fine. Those things should not bring me down...na'ah, not for now. It's too early to lose focus!

Everything and everyone around me moves. They seem to keep their distance. I hope I am not losing them as well. I just hope they will return to where they belong.

How do you define success? I briefly define mine as...reaching people's heart even for just one guy - in a positive way. I believe I have done my part for 2010. Thank you to those who have touched mine. I simply appreciate your presence and warmth. Thank you. Thank you my dear students for clearing your path. I thank my family for just being there, standing next to me every second of every day. Thanks to my friends for being who you are all these while. Thanks. Who am I without you guys?...

To my special person(s),
I am sorry for everything I have done. I am sorry if ever I hurt you by any chance. I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry I'm bad,

I'm sorry you're blue,

I'm sorry for all the things I said to you,

I know I can't take it back.

I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I know this time I am to blame. It's harder to get through the days now, but...life goes on. Again I'm sorry.

I understand why you left. I get it. I don't blame you. I'll take all the shame. Again, sorry for everything.
My dear friend, it's OK. I don't want to burden you anymore. Before you depart, please forgive me...for everything.

Special thanks to you,

for being there for me,

for guiding me,

for feeling me,

for saving me,

for everything.

I hope you will find happiness as I'm looking for mine. All the best in everything. Be happy and keep smiling ok! ;p I'll try my very best to not hurt people this year. I'll try.

That's all for now.

p/s - though it's a bit late to welcome you; 2011, Happy New Year!

Korean fever...

2010-11-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

Aigoo..

I just finished watching "My GF is a Gumiho (Nine-tailed-fox)"...

Now I feel like I'm lost somewhere around the desert...

I feel utterly bored!

I need more Korean stuffs!!!!

Please help me, I'm a Korean series and K-Pop addict!

Pheeww...
THERE! I said it!

Where's the other members of this support group??????????

Randomization of a random heart...

2010-11-06T04:50:00.000-07:00

Ok...there's nothing much that I could ponder of today..Basically...it's just a slow-walking Saturday like any other day per say.

I was so (not really) depressed over this 'mistakenly decided' act which I did last night. I rushed from Subang to J-Town as I thought I needed my non-sexy yet pretty night sleep to wake up early for exam invigilation.

My invigilation schedule says: Sunday-7 November 2010-2.15-5.15PM-DMS. I don't really know for whatever reason that is or was, I have decided to cut off my break (embracing civilization and breathe the unhealthy air of KL) and rush to J-Town A.S.A.P. I should have stayed a little longer to spend time with them. Urgh. This is so annoying.

I, for once thought that today is Sunday the 7th Nov already!!!!! Seriously. It turns out to be SATURDAY the 6th. How weird is that? Therefore, I have rushed for a complete NOTHING! Nothing! Aigoo..why does this day have to move so slow??!

p/s - Hmm..if only I have stayed last night...

the beginning of my journey to become a happy person..

2010-10-31T00:34:00.000-07:00

One of my students told me this last night;

"Sir, be happy ye....You need to be happy. It's the essence of living your life to the fullest!"

-Z, 2010-

Yes, I will try to be happy from now on. Thanks for the brilliant words ok kiddo! Chewah...ade-ade je budak2 ni..;p

Ok, Mr Niza is drawing his plan to search for happiness..;p

Toodles!

p/s - Cloud 9 mood...all I can c is pretty rainbow lines...There are 7 of them..I choose to walk on the pink lane..hehe..ade ke?!

Press the reset button...

2010-10-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

What is this? Ok. Mute. Total silence. Swoooosh....Gone with the wind.
Enough with the game. I'm done with it. I have let it go..down the drain..bye bye misery.
Seriously, what's with this 'bad romance?' Urgh..is it a 23-episodes of awful drama series?!
Gwaenchanayo...gwaenchanayo...It's ok, it's ok...

I keep telling my self it's ok. but DANG me!!! It's not ok. Well, at least I am clear now. Cristal clear. Thanks. I just wish that the friendship does not end here. Please be happy..please, please...be happy for me as I am happy for you.

Tett...Ok, the RESET button has been pressed. I'm ready to take off. Oh boy, I wish you can come along...but...

All the best in everything. Till then...keep on smiling Niza. ;p

p/s - The world is laughing at you..bwahahahahahahahhaa...

Crush?

2010-10-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

They say; it only takes 5 minutes to have a crush on someone...gosht...that is easy.

Here's a poem I could think of in my mind....it's about a crush I currently fancy with...

.............................

I wanna keep my crush!!!

.......................

Feelings

I have deep feelings

So deep that I keep on smiling

I hope ~~xxx~~ feels it too

I don't know if ~~xxx~~ feels it too

Eottohgae...eottohgae..what should I do?

When we're not together, I feel uptight
When ~~xxx~~'s around, I feel so right

Right? ;p

Oh what do I do without you

I dream about what we can do
And all the things we can pursue

What is this..a crush?

I really want to feel the touch
and when ~~xxx~~ leaves, I miss ~~xxx~~ so much ;p

Oh please, please, please be mine

I want to feel your lips against mine
and feel our bodies intertwine ;p

You are near, yet so far

It's ok, I'll just love you from afar
and one day I'll express how special you are

I want to have this rush...

that's why I'm holding tight on to the rush
and until then I'll keep you safely my crush...;p

................<3<3<3

It's been a while...Good luck for final though! ;p

2010-10-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

Aigoo... It's been a while since I last updated this page. Seriously, I was caught up with work...pfft...I think, I am still busy..

Anyway, there's nothing much to talk about. I wish to clarify something;

"I am innocent!"

So, please...bug off and stop bothering me. The case was closed. For future reminder: STOP USING MY NAME TO COVER YOUR SINFUL TRACK!!!

........................

People change....

The person I used to know is no longer the same. What is happening? What makes you change? I love you when you WERE you; caring for others, looking after them, making them laugh, taking a good care of their feelings and craving smile on our faces. For that, I thank you.

Now? You have changed into some kind of monster. You don't care for them anymore. You tend to hurt them often. You make us cry. You choose to ignore us. You choose not to listen. You choose to be apart. YOU HAVE CHANGED...

They say that change comes from within. What is real? What is not? It's all YOU. You create your own reality and you create your fantasy.

Sorry if I ever hurt you in any way... I am sorry.

...........

Exam oh Exam...

To those who are going to the battlefield;

Good luck! Aim and reach for the stars!
Do your best! Be the best that you can be! ;p
Double check!
Have faith and be confident!
Be prepared! Expect success and you will fill yourself with confidence and happiness. ;p
Remember what we have learned and discussed!
Be positive! Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you will start having positive results, insyaAllah.
You can do it! Remember guys, the difference between CAN and CANNOT is only three letters...but the letters can determine your direction. Aim for the right one!

All the best to all! ;p

Bangau oh bangau...

2010-09-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

Things to ponder today:-

Open your heart and listen

1. Power struggle:
What will you do if a student tries to hook you in by making you feel guilty or responsible for the low mark you give in the test or for the draft? Are you going to give in or being "hooked in"? Are you going to be angry? Are you going to ignore?

I had the case of such power struggle in my classroom today. It was a bit hard as the student (she) stood up with her points without acknowledging my comment. I have reasons for saying "This is improper, this is inappropriate, this sounds rather awkward and wrong, you should rephrase....." It's not that I put a hold on her paper for only one time!!! I had to go through and re-read everything before I gave her the marks she deserves. Seriously, it was a major headache. (Sigh). If...and only if she could consider how the situation would end up...Chillax ok guys?!...Why resort to being so defiant?!

As for me, I have tried my very best to avoid any sort of power struggle in my practice. It used to be easy. Seriously. I used to give the responsibility back to the students so they will be aware of the consequences. As long as I keep focusing on students' choices and explain the consequences, it is fine. I don't focus thing on me because...there's no 'win-win' situation. When I analyze today's problem...it appears on my mind: "Could it be that she just wants to get attention? Could it be that this is one attention-getting behavior?"

I am aware that some students are just stubborn and argumentative. Some will go to the extent of fighting with the teachers/lecturers regarding the rules or assignments. This kind of behavior portrayed by students only leads me to a route where power struggle occurs. These students want to dominate and engage me into fighting them. It won't work guys!!! I don't entertain any attention-seekers that much, for that matter. This is a university. Whatever you get for your mark is totally what you deserve. I cannot afford of awarding you high marks if you don't deserve it. Besides, I have no reason to fail you if you don't deserve to fail. Do we have some understanding here?! It is mutual.

I still remember...back when I was a student. A wise educator of mine; Pn. Rohaya always preaches this chant; "Love the knowledge, love the ones who share the knowledge and love every opportunity to seek for the knowledge". One must respect the knowledge and open his/her heart to seek wisdom. Puan Rohaya always rationalizes her principles based on "Adab Menuntut Ilmu" by Imam Al-Ghazali. Where is the "wisdom" spirit in students nowadays?!

Is this too heavy to carry?

2. Dictionary:
Students nowadays are lack in terms of respecting the nur, hidayah and the wisdom of knowledge. Eight or nine weeks ago, students brought dictionary into the classroom. VERY GOOD! Today??? The dictionary is just a mere tool or leg to support a broken bed. Literally.

3. Assignments:
Assignments??? My students used to be very diligent and normally submit their assignments on time. It is good that they exhibit some effort to attain what they have always been dreaming of (getting an "A+++"). Today? They do not even remember the given assignments. Some even pretends not to know or have not being informed about the existence of such assignments. Very good!!! ;p

4. Group discussion:
When you have agreed to take turns, you must follow and stick to it. Do not come and tell me: "I'm sorry Mr. Niza, our group cannot present today because one of our group members is absent... I don't know where he/she is. Perhaps, he/she is still celebrating the Raya at home..."...Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut....!@#$%^&*&&^...Here's an advice: Do not waste your friends' time and do not waste my time!

One more scenario:
You have more than enough time to prepare for the discussion and how could you come to class and; "Mr. Niza, we cannot present today...can we do it tomorrow? We are not ready..." NOT READY eyh?! Not ready my ar** then!!! huhu...

Oh boy, I could not say that in class... I'm a weakling! Of course I gave them a chance. It is okay if you want to do it later, say...tomorrow?!...But you have to take risk of giving me the BEST discussion ever! Do not come to class and give me a 'scripted' discussion. I am NOT a robot that is going to analyze your discussion!!!

5. Absenteeism:
This is getting serious. Last two months were delightful for me as students were present and very minor absenteeism could be detected.

Jangan lah ponteng, please..;(

Right before raya: My 311 students were absent. I would say...over 48% were absent!!!! Who am I to you??? A house maid?! A garbage cleaner?! An insignificant character while you are mani-padi-ing at UiTM??! For goodness sake....if you do not want to appreciate me, please have some respect for your friends. What are your insignificant reasons???! Going back for raya???? Urghhh... Stop bangau-ing!!

Today: After two weeks of break. My 311 students. Some of the boys were absent. It breaks my heart... It's ok...only a couple of weeks left. Ya Allah, I beg for your mercy to give me some strength and crave some smile on my face...ameen.

Afterall, it's your attendance and participation. Not mine, am I not right?! *wink*

Good luck guys!!! ;p

Ok. That's all for today. Hehe....(just for the sake of updating this blog)

Toodles ;p

HAPPY CELEBRATING EID AL-MUBARAK! ;P

2010-09-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

To all,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri...

Let us take a moment to praise Allah and be thankful to Him for the luxury of being here to celebrate this glorious day. Say Alhamdulillah.

Have fun and enjoy yourself among families and friends. Be happy and keep making other people around you happy. Let us bring happiness to all.

Treasure this moment to seek for forgiveness and forgive others. Let bygones be bygones.

I am utterly sorry if ever I made any mistakes or hurt you by any chance...Please forgive me as I am just an ordinary human being who will gradually make mistakes.

That's all...

Selamat Hari Raya

Maaf Zahir & Batin

BEL Group Discussion...

2010-08-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

This can be applied to all BEL codes (011, 120, 311...). When you have your topics, please do some reading and research. Make sure your discussion is smooth.

However, this is just for practice in class. For your test questions, you are only given 3-5 minutes to prepare before the discussion! This follows the MUET format, especially for BEL311.

So, keep on practicing....and show me what you got!!!

"Kites fly highest against the wind, not with it!"

"Don't limit your challenge. Instead, challenge your limit!"

I'm sexy...

2010-08-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah...I have a confession..

Today...I feel like a rock star...this IsyaAllah is imminent (rock star)..LOL...

The truth is, I don't have any voice yet to teach... I have yet to start a group discussion with ECD3KI but...it hurts. It's painful. This sore throat is killing me...BIG time!

Please, please, please go away now..."shoo shoo"...

I know I sound sexy...that it makes me irresistible..Huhu...seriously! I have a feeling that...with a voice like mine (temporary), even the diva; Mariah Carey must bow before me! Huhu...(how wishful)

Ok, I ought to leave now...I still have some markings to do (Outline for ECD3KIs)

Toodles...

What is happening to me?

2010-08-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

Urgh.... I don't feel well...

I don't feel good....

Yucks....the vomit..look at that mess!!!

I think I am about to vomit now...errgghhh...

I am sick...

I think I have fever....slight but my throat is killing me!!!

oh boy.....

What is this feeling???

2010-08-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

(Sigh)...(sigh agin)...(again, sigh...haiz)...
I know it is bad to start my day with sigh...but...I do not have a precise word to describe my day. Dissapointed? Not really....

BEL311...in my humble opinion, today was brilliantly okay. This week's theme is "Discussive Essay". Alhamdulillah (praise to Allah), my students know the core and the essence of writing a discussive essay (Hopefully....huhu ;p). For last week's outline (Cause-Effect Essay), I think everyone fulfilled the requirement of the format. What did I tell you guys?! "You guys are smart, remember!!?" Say, Alhamdulillah...for everything. I hope things will go well with this Wednesday's discussion.

Absentees? Hmm...let me recall....Rahman was absent. So did Fahmi, Ridzuan, and Afiq. Do you have valid reason and MCs?! What happen to you guys??! I am worried. I hope you can catch things up with your friends. REMINDER: Your final submission of term paper outline is dued this Friday (13/8/2010)-In class!

BEL011...ACPD1B...Dissapointed? Not really....I was out of tune for a bit...Perhaps I was not feeling well... Come to think of that, I do not feel quite well at the moment. (Sigh)...Snap! Enough Niza, sighing will not get you anywhere!!!

OK. Here's the thing...I am suppose to have a replacement class with them tonight. I already had plan for them. Tonight, we are suppose to watch drama presentation from Mr. Firhan's group at ILQAM (Auditorium 2) - 8.00 - 10.00PM. Nevertheless, due to the latest timetable, my group (ACPD1B) have night classes with a part-timer effectively from Monday to Wednesday... What about my class???! (Sigh).

I feel sleepy. The truth is, I could not sleep last night. Some people from the next house were 'busy' chatting (zip!, zap!, zup!) without considering the late hours...(Sigh). I swear to God, I could hear their conversation...It was something random from 'house rent' to 'chocolate cake'..???? What???! I woke up a bit late...6.50am...and I went to class at 8.03am.

Later, I will be working on some of my students' outlines. I will try my best to help them (in any way). I really hope they can score good for the term paper assignment (InsyaAllah).

Ok. I think I ought to leave this room. Enough with this useless piece of rambling. Till we meet again Mr. Bloggy.

Toodles ~

Kejamkah aku...LOLz

2010-08-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

Haha...last night I really had fun with my 311 class. Gosht, they were so innocent and worried too much about 311.

What I did was..hehe...jeng jeng jeng...

I gave them their papers...their outlines...and I failed everyone. The average score for the class was 3/10...huhu...I told them that they failed for the outline part....

I was expecting some girls to complain or argue about their marks...but...came to my surprise, a boy....was looking extremely worried..

"Sir (restless+hopeless+helpless gesture), I can't afford of getting C this semester..."

Haha...lolz...that was funny....It was Amin I think....His partner is Hasif....Chill out guys!!! There's nothing to worry about...In my humble opinion, you are on the right track...as long as you meet the requirement...

The mark???! What's with the mark? Haha...the truth is....it is only 5%...so, the average was 3/5...Obviously, you were not paying attention to the briefing which I did on the first week, remember?!...After this, please refer to your scheme of work ok...and remember the time line....Yeah, please remind me if I forget to fulfill the requirement of the scheme of work ok!!;p

The thing is...I enjoy teaching all of you...It is nice to joke around sometimes to see whether you care about your study and stuffs...Huhu..

Before I end this piece of rambling, please forgive me guys! I am sorry students...weee~~~

p/s - Remember, your final outline is to be submitted by next week (the latest is on Friday, 13 August 2010). Please attach your sources together with your outline ok!

Thank you...;p

In class....

2010-08-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

As I blog this entry,I am supervising my students in class. It is Monday, 2 August 2010. I had a BEL311 class previously. What I can say about the previous class is: POLISHED. I certainly hope that they are now completely understood on how to actually write an academic essay. I hope they can write good and appropriate hook, thesis statements, topic sentences, supporting details, paraphrasing and also acknowledging the source of their essays.

Now I am in my second class of the day; BEL011 with ACPD 1B. This week is about rehearsing and preparing for next week's drama performance. The drama night for this group is on Thursday (12 August 2010). For the other group (BMPD 1N), it is on Friday (13 August 2010). I really, really, really hope they can perform. I am trying to be as flexible as I can in awarding good marks for them. Nevertheless, I really need to supervise their progress.

What are they doing now? I guess...they are still practicing and memorizing their lines. I must say, all of the groups are creative. I really am looking forward to see them perform. Here are all groups' drama titles:

1. Love at the First Sight

2. Fall for You

3. Saradella

4. Raya, Raya, Raya!!!

5. Anak Derhaka!

6. Tiupan Sangkakala...

What do you think? Creative and imaginative right?! Huhu...I cannot wait to sit and enjoy their performance.

To all, best of luck and may you guys succeed!!!

I believe in you................;p

Toodles ;p

p/s - What a weird thing to do in classroom....What am I doing??? I am blogging!!! but I am also watching you guys practicing okay! I REALLY need to see your progress!!!

Before I stop writing my piece of junk, I have an announcement: My ROOM is at L3-46. Feel free to drop by...huhu...

Bye for now...huhu....

Terlalu istimewa....

2010-07-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to all of my students; now and then...

p/s - I am utterly thankful to have you guys in my life.

So special...

So deeply in love...

The flame..

Keep it on.

You never fail to put a smile on my face,

never fail to paint my days; green and blue

You make me cry sometimes

and the wall turns to red...

Allah is always there...

helping us when we are in doubt...

never stop trying,

never give up.

You spoke unimaginable words..

"Buyed", "eated", "fantasi",

You mispronounced these words,

"Sword", "develop" and "career".

But who am I to judge...

Who am I to castigate?

for I am just a minute person..

who often makes abundance of mistakes.

Please hold my hands...

together we can pull it through...

for you are my special ones..

and you are my summer breeze.

I believe in you!

Help me to help you!

Thank you.

Colorful path of teaching...

2010-07-13T03:05:00.001-07:00

12 July 2010, Monday.

Hello! What's buzzing out there?

As usual, my life as an educator offers me a colorful walking pavement which I am enjoying it so far! ;p Today, I had classes for BEL311 and BEL011. The first class with my part three students was amazing! They participated and engaged themselves actively during my lessons. Today's topic was about "Making Generalization from the Text". I also taught them on how to be critical and how to cite sources (references). It was fun. Those kids are clearly young with fresh ideas inside their minds. It was amazing that some students managed to discuss about complicated things. Most of them still have problem to narrow and have a strong focus about their topics. Nevertheless, it was fun teaching them the theory behind APA references. The class went a bit 'overwhelmed' just now. I did a language game with them. Today, we have played "Funny Story". They gave me a topic which is; "Pimples". From there, we started to write sentences on a piece of paper. Then we folded the paper so that the rest cannot view our sentences. The trick is to write whatever comes to their mind, without focusing too much about the topic. At the end, we are supposed to have a series of unconnected stories which form the "Funny Story". It was fun. At the end of the class, I have selected some students to read the story out loud. Come to my surprise, the story has nothing to do with "Pimples"! It was funny. Some students wrote about "Nasi Lemak", "Wild imagination", "Heading to Bandar Jengka after class"….and the funniest was when a boy honestly wrote about his hidden feeling towards a girl in that class. It does not make any sense at all but that is the purpose; to create a funny story. Boy, you should look at their expression while presenting the story!!! They also learned on how to appropriately include the connectors etc.

I was a bit disappointed with my second class. The reason being is; there were some students (boys) who refused to participate and support each other. What happened??? I thought we are one family?! There was a moment when I felt like crying and I expressed my feeling by telling the class how sad I was for not having relevant support from them. It was also unfair for the rest of the class since everyone must present their speech. It's ok….I hope you guys can cooperate and help each other ok! As far as I remember, you (the responsible lads) still owe me the debt…I will claim it later. Other than that, I was also flabbergasted by some students who portrayed their bravery and tried to present in front with confidence! Congratulation guys! Credits go to Venesse, Kadijah Farah Farhana, Syimir, Ismail and basically everyone from that class…who have presented their insights! Kudos guys! I wish to see more courage from the rest of you guys! I also played a language game (Funny Story) with this class. Their topic was about; "Shoes". Only the difference is; they focused too much about the topic rather than writing from whatever comes in their heads… Yeah, we managed to pull through and have fun with each other. I just hope those boys can cooperate and participate during the next lesson. Or maybe my approach was not reachable to those kids???! (Sigh). I start to wonder…could it be that they just did not understand what I have been saying and that's why they did not participate? Perhaps. I MUST DO SOMETHING!

I still love both of my classes and there will be plenty of time to explore their potential individually! I wish you guys all the best and may you succeed in life, ameen.

Ok, moving on…I still have not found a decent place to stay. The hunt is still on. I just hope to get a nice house to live before the semester ends.

Today's lesson in a capsule: "What kind of room which has no doors and windows???" The answer is: "MUSHROOM". LOL.

Me as a ‘PTPTN’ officer, my Official favourite dish and my 1.45AM SMS from a student.

2010-07-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

Yes...and it is official. It has been ten days already since I first started to work with UiTM (1 July 2010). Living in Jengka has opened my sight especially on how people can be so money-oriented. Gosht, people here are so acquisitive!!! I am yet to talk about stuffs to buy at the mart(s)/supermarket(s). I was referring to the house-to-look-for. So far, we have no luck of getting a nice and decent house. For many of us, it is just a predicament as we start our career life. As for me, it is still a basic necessity so I can plan and produce more industrious lessons for the kids. I need a proper house. This is not a complaint. It is more like an expression so that people know how hard it is to stand on our own when we just walked into the working path. I am sorry if I sound a little bit of whining, here and there. Nevertheless, I managed to pull through and enjoy myself here in Jengka.

One of the reasons is because of the food. I have always been a food lover when it comes to "fish". It is so gratifying to just have plain fish (served... either fried or steamed or boiled) together with my plate of rice. Yummy! On top of that, the ease of availability for specific fish, namely; "Patin a.k.a Silver Catfish" really makes me happy. Just looking at the size of "patin sangkar" and also "patin sungai" pleases me! Now imagine, those "patin-s" are cooked with "tempoyak"!!! Burp! Alhamdulillah…. Ok, now it is official, "Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak" is my favourite dish….next to the so famous; "Singgang Ikan of Terengganu"!!! I simply love it. So far, I enjoy eating at a restaurant next to Agrobank Jengka. They serve the best "Patin Masak Tempoyak" so far. Bwekk…the truth is, there are many places which are yet to be discovered. I am waiting for my paycheck and also my free time to explore more about "Patin" dishes. In UiTM, the café also serves "Patin Masak Tempoyak". They prefer to use "patin sangkar" but the size is rather small. ;(… However, it is still worth it and the PRICE is…KNOCK! KNOCK!, CHEAP!

Ok, enough about my hankering of "Patin" fish. Now, I would like to write about one funny thing. About 4pm (10 July 2010), I had a phone call from a parent of one of my students. He was asking about PTPTN. It seems that he had this confusion which might lead to misguided information. Basically, it was regarding the online application and also a printed letter which he had just received from PTPTN. I was surprised, honestly. Do I look or sound like a PTPTN officer, for that matter? Hmmm…I had no idea why that student (from Civil Engineering Program) passed my number to his father. As far as I remember, I clearly told them to text or call me if they have problems regarding academic matter and not during weekend or outside office hour. However, I was glad that the father contacted me (I sounded as if I am an important person, am I?!hehe) LOL. Anyway, I gave the information which might be useful and based on my experience as a UiTM student.

Last Friday, a student texted me; "Salam Mr. Niza, I want to ask you whether we have a class tomorrow or not. I was informed that all lecturers will have to attend a staff meeting tomorrow. Please reply me…" Again, this is a bit hilarious…since I do not have any class with them on Friday. He was asking about BEL011 class. I only have one class on Friday which is BEL311. I have no idea where did they get the idea of me teaching them BEL011 on Friday. Then, I took it as a misunderstanding. The student replied; "Oh, sorry sir..". Why "Sorry"??? Jeng, jeng, jeng…1. He was misinformed about the class and 2. He texted me around 1.45AM!!! My goodness!!! I was almost having my forty winks before I was dead to the world that night! But, of course I replied politely…since he is just my student…who is eager to come to class and learn. Cool. (Lucky that I am still single and not having a family yet) ;p

I guess, that is all for now. I will try to update myself on my colorful experience as an educator here in UiTM Jengka. Till we meet again, toodles Mr. Blogger. ;p

of the headlines and my first day impression....

2010-07-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum and Salam 1 Malaysia.

I am writing from the Lecturer's Lounge, UiTM Jengka Pahang. It is hot outside so I have decided to land my feet on in this cold and convenient room.

Read the news today...seriously, what's with this ulama' changing parties thingy and ulama' changing the state laws? It is all politics...I don't like the way we are heading because religious matters should not be played according to the current political game scenario. But then, who am I to say because I play the minutest role in this. In fact, I just signed up for the voter's list, huhu...;p To top that up, I must say, I am a bit blunt with our latest political scenario.

Flipping over the pages has made me feel nauseous because it is almost the same news and things reported everyday. Politic and pro-governments issues are filling the front pages...almost everyday. I am bored with it already. Somewhere inside the pages....there's a news about Terengganu beaches. It mentions that almost 10 couples are caught naked everyday at Terengganu beaches. WOW! That is bizarre....LOL...

The news about a Chinese guy who died after donating his blood for the 45th time struck me a bit. I was a bit moved by the news since I have never donated my blood. I hope I can become like that guy who constantly donated his blood whenever possible, except the 'death' part. I think it's noble.

Another news is about a letter to Utusan's editor. I found it's funny as it specifically mentions UiTM Jengka in the letter. The sender (Mama E-Dora) complaints about how UiTM treats her child by making her share the room with six students. She claims that it is unfair for her daughter because by right, the room is supposed to cater four persons. Over the limit eyh?! Dear Mama E-dora, first and foremost, you must understand the major problem which UiTM is facing. Abundance of students!!! UiTM has this policy to take more and more unfortunate students to be given the luxury of education. Not to mention the underqualified students who have been given a second chance to study and also the "Destini Anak Bangsa" program. Where do you expect those unfortunate students to stay if it's not at the hostel???! That is why, UiTM is forced to ask your child to move out and become an NR student. However, the problem is...it is extremely hard...wait, it is almost impossible to find a descent and cheap houses here in Jengka. I am facing the same problem too. In fact I am still looking for a nice place to stay.

Today (8-10am, 10-12pm) was my very first day teaching. The first group I have met was a group from Civil Engineering program. The code is BEL311 and they are in part three. I must say, I am delighted with my first impression upon this group. They are just supportive and cooperative. They responded quite well. Overall, in my humble opinion, they just need a little bit polishing for the grammar, speaking, writing and reading. Other than that, they are moving to the right direction. I am just glad that most of them (94%) were responsive just now. On top of it, I am proud to say that most of them have clearer vision and goals on what to be expected from me and also from BEL311.

The second group which I met was a group from Pre-Diploma in Accountancy program. Errrmm...there is not much to say about this group except they are a bit passive and less responsive compared to the other group. Of course, how can I compare these two groups? Obviously, they are from different levels. Most of them have problems comprehending the message I have been conveying. I did a lot of simplifying with them to the extent of using very minimal (4%) of Bahasa Malaysia in my lesson. I am aware of the negative impact which it carries but what other options do I have? I am referring to that time-line. One thing I have noticed about them is they responded quite well when I asked them to present a short role-play or sketch. It was worth of my time asking them about their expectation from the course and also from the lecturer (me). Most of them have problems using proper and appropriate English with correct mechanics and tone. Most of the time, they prefer to remain silent and not responding to the instruction given. Through games and role-playing, I learned that those students engage themselves in the language use even if it is minimal. At least, they are trying to fulfill the task given. Therefore, congratulation to them for making their very first day of class at UiTM.

I still have not figured out what tomorrow has to offer me. I hope, the next groups will be more cooperative and also responsive. InsyaAllah, I will try my best to make the lesson as fun as possible! ;p

So far, I found that I love my students and I really hope I can do something to help them improve their competency as well as their proficiency of the language.

I think that is all for now. Till we meet again, toodles.

P/s - I am anxiously waiting for my "Surat Pengesahan Senat" from UiTM Shah Alam....urgh....

Dogma...avoid being trapped...

2010-07-04T03:34:00.000-07:00

Urghhh....vision, vision, please come clearer and nearer to me, please....

People around me seem to have clear goals which keep them moving smooth all the time. Sometimes, I borrow their tenets to be adapted with my lifestyle. Most of the time, it works but I am not sure if I am happy or not. I have this question in my mind all the time; "Am I doing the things right?" and "Am I doing the right things?". I wish I can succeed without having such questions or doubt about my credibility. But...(sigh)..

Successful people would have certain principles for their daily routines. I have read several books (not that I don't like reading, I am just too lazy to put my glass on..;p) on how to live a successful life or how to walk and talk with wisdom bla bla bla... None of those books compels me on how to have my own stand and not following others....

What? All this while, I have been living my life according to other people's standards!!! If I am too blunt to know the message, I would be saying; "What's wrong with that??"

Today, I have encountered a brilliant advice which says; "Do not be trapped with dogma!"... It simply means: do not over-follow principle of other people or you'll see yourself a loser. Somehow, I see the truth in that. By following others, I don't see myself standing tall on my own. I am living my life, aren't I???

Thus, starting from today, I will step-by-step try to carve my own path by drawing my own line, even if it means my lines to be a bit lower than others. At least, I set my own standard! Wohoo. It is good to have a hold on principle of others. Don't get me wrong. I am talking about guidelines that really serve as a guide rather than a benchmark.

Learning how not to be trapped by dogmas is a bit tricky. First, I need a goal. A clearer goal! I need to have my vision, clearer version! I am still thinking it over and over (for the past four minutes). All I have is big dreams and hopes. That is not a vision. I still remember about 'vision' (according to someone who gave an interesting talk at U8B's seminar). Vision is specific goals to be achieved according to plan. It must be specific! Yeah....

I need to spend more time thinking and less time of napping to have a specific vision, perhaps. I will do that...immediately! I will...I am doing it...NOW!

Vision, vision, please come to me and knock a portion of my brain clearly please....please..please....Naah, that won't do it.... I need fresh air.... Hopefully, before I close my eyes tonight, I will have my own dogma and principles...Hopefully.... Hey, I WILL! Yes, I WILL!

Gersang....

2010-06-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am starting to count my days here in Jengka....starting from....now. Day 1.

Oh...it is freaking dry here in Jengka. The heat.... The nothingness along the way to workplace..... The loneliness...

Oh boy...it is awfully hard to find a nice and decent house here in Jengka. Fighting over a house with God-knows-how-many-NR-students-out-there....urgh...what a test to my un-local knowledge of current trend among Jengka peeps.

Jengka is a place where you can find Malays which make up 99.2% of its population. To me, it is a weird place as how undeveloped the place is. So far, I have seen two supermarkets around...no TESCO, MYDIN, GIANT or whatsoever...Huhu..there's no 7E as well...how cool is that huh?!

Felda, Felda, Felda. So many numbers and names of Felda around. Basically, it is like so many sections and partitions...At least, that's what I can relate after four years living in Shah Alam... Felda Jengka 20=Section 20 Shah Alam. LOL.

Dry, dry and dry...sightseeing? I wish. Palm trees fill most of the picture frame though. But I guess, I am okay with this. I have chosen this path, so I will bear with it. I will survive!

How can I not be okay? I have friends...Many friends as a matter of fact. I certainly hope I can easily make friends with everyone there at UiTM. Afterall, it helps me to kill my time...by making a lot of friends and hang out. Come to think of it, where would we hang out here in Jengka???! LOL...

Gersang...The soil is dry with dust everywhere. I might as well start counting the palm trees here to keep me sane....huhu...

I love this place! Weird...but I think i am beginning to fall in love and play along with the music. How comforting. A friend of mine says; "Find happiness in whatever you do and everything will be just fine! Love your work and try to be happy!" (Ekhwan, 2010). Thanks buddy...I will try my best to love what I do here...huhu...

Till then, I ought to go now....but I promise to start looking for happiness here. Toodles.

Feels like a gloomy monday....

2010-06-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

(Sigh)....what a luck....

Last night, I had a fight with someone who is very dear to me....I did not sleep well last night. As a matter of fact, I spent a night somewhere else....somewhere where I could forget what had happened. But I would be lying to myself, wouldn't I?

The truth is, I can never forget what happened between us. The fight....urgh, it was just....STUPID....drop it off already....

I wish I can say I am over that issue..but I am not. Still. Just because of a small matter, you left me crashing and burning myself the whole night....what the hell am I crap-ping about? I seriously have no idea. The notion of fighting with someone in the same blood-line (just perhaps)...is a total ridicule....

Can we hug now and get it over with please?! Because, I really need to focus on something else... I hope, you will be able to smile when you talk to me...next time...I really hope so....

I am sorry if ever I did offend you...in any way...which I did not have any intention to do so...huhu...

Sorry for everything...and goodnight dear....

Selamat Menunaikan Umrah

2010-05-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Abah,

Selamat menunaikan ibadah umrah and semoga segala perjalanan ibadah dpat dilakukan dengan sempurna, InsyaAllah...

p/s - will be waiting for u here...;p

fever, fever...go away...~~~

2010-04-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

urgh...i think i am about to be sick, again....

urgh...perfect timing...tomorrow's d big day...y now??!

urgh...dizzy...sleepy...tired...

d weather is going crazy lately...it freaks me out...awful...

i am scared.

ok, enough with d rambling.

weird feeling

2010-04-27T03:54:00.000-07:00

it's weird....

Have u ever been in a situation where u think that everything is fine but it turns out differently. When the coin flipped, u thought that u were on the right side when actually, it's the other side u should be at...weird.

Hmmm.... I don't know what seems to be wrong but I have this feeling of being rejected. I mean...did I do something wrong? I woke up this morning at about 6.00am... I took my friend to the train station and he was off to work. I went back home. I washed my face (because it was too oily) and the next thing I remember, I was in my bed...fleeing from the miserable world.

I then woke up at about 9.30am. I had my breakfast (Nasi Lemak+Soya Bean) with a friend at the living room. I then hit the shower. I sms-ed a friend; asking if he had printed the notes (for CALL's exam). Yes, he did. In fact, I have been buzzing him with the photocopying thing since...last week perhaps. So, he asked a friend of mine and I to get the notes and photocopy. That's what we did.

Before leaving the house, I passed RM60 to my roommate (it's for the house). He asked me where was I about to go...and I told him that I was off to study. Before photocopying the notes, I have informed him about that and asked if he wants a copy. He said it's ok, coz he ought to get some notes from a friend. That was about it.

After rambling around and hitting behind the bush. The outcome was kind of zero. So much for studying. That was not what I call "study". Too many distractions at McD. I did not even finish answering questions from a single paper. Ridiculous.

My friend and I went home. Starting from that moment, I got this cold shoulder. Not mine or was it mine? I can't even recall. It was awkward. Questions were replied with single words. Weird.

I did not get it then. I was online for a while. Browsed through some pages and hyperlinks+hyper-medias. Baam. That was it. Read a status from facebook. Wow. That was weird. I did not get it. When did I leave someone behind??? Yeah. I did not even dare to wake someone up if that person slept at 6 in the morning. I would not even dare to make noises wondering if he might wake up. I understand of the bad sleeping habit. SO, I guess, he needed to rest.

Tell me something, was I wrong to leave you with your lala-land and leave the house? By right, I should be credited for sparing the peaceful moment for u... I really don't get it which part of my act that made u feel left out????! Have I ever left you??? Wow...if that's the case, I really am a bad figure. Are you expecting something from me? What did I do??? Where did I go wrong???

And...what's with the cold shoulder? What did I do to deserve such treatment? It hurts. It hurts. But that's ok. I completely understand.

I always fly solo I guess..cool...;p

Ok, now I feel really weird...

I seriously want this cutie!

2010-03-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Wrong timing

2010-03-23T02:49:00.000-07:00

Wrong timing

Loads of assignments + Thesis (AE) + Quizzes + Creative Project + LP Presentation + Write-ups + Bad weather + Hot, Dry and Steamy Day + Restless + Less energy + Sleeping disorder + Irrelevant fights

Bad judgment + Hard headed me + Mood spoiler + Vocal oppression + Bye bye to whatever unnecessary things in life.

Period.

Reset the button.

2010-03-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

My button has been pushed. I once thought I am a limitless person and I opt to challenge my limit. I was wrong. There's a limit in everything. Why do I get the feeling that I am a useless piece of crap??? Maybe I am. I am sorry for the way I behave. It is immature. Yet I claim myself as a not-so-childish boy. How ridiculous. The greatest mistake is when I put expectation. I should have not put any if I want to be happy. Am I happy? I don't think so. Are you happy? I don't think so. I was happy...but not anymore. How to mend a broken heart? They say; "time heals everything..." Yeah right. I guess, I really need to stop staring at the glimpse and glance...JUST GO. My life is too short for such misery I think. Why can't I be happy like others? Why can't I feel content of having you by my side? Why? There is something wrong. Is there any barrier set up in between? I don't know.

I just want you to be happy, even with the absence of my heart in your life. I know you can pull through. Now, it is the time for you to get up and chase your freedom. There will be no one stopping you from what you crave. Go on. Be happy. I can't be happy seeing you in such desolation. I love you, I do. But I can't do this anymore. I need a break. From everything.

Thank you for every single memory and thought you gave me. You are the best. Indeed you are. I am very pleased to have you, stopping by...even just for a while. I will remember you for...quite a long time, I guess. The feelings won't go away in an instance. It will remain there. Time will make it fade. Again, be happy and enjoy your life ok.

Love, sincerely yours,

N 2 N

Busy

2010-03-21T20:14:00.001-07:00

Darn, darn, darn...

I wish I could redeem all those wasted days and nights...

There's not enough time...

I need some sort of motivation....

Busy, busy, busy...

Why are you here (assignments).

Weekend's drama

2010-03-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

Sangat x bole blah.......................

What were we doing? Why were we doing those again? Remind me of that....

Felt so awkward and restless. Now it's just awkward. A bit challenged.

One great lesson I have learned today...Crying is tiring. T__________T

Xnak buat dah keje gile... I thought I have grown up...turns out...I am the most childish boy...sampai nangis2.... Hahahahahaha...how stupid that is.

I wonder...why in the first place???? No worries...all on me...

Ok, now I am shy... I am crazy, am I?!...I am fragile, am I?! Dumb dumb dumb......

You are the best.......WOW! Nobody makes me cry for ages...well, as you can see...I am not the type of guy who would easily shed a tear...but today....T______T

Damn, yet I thought I am strong! I see myself as a strong boy....rupe-rupenye... Fragile.

Handle me with care, please.

Hebat.

Goodbye. ;p

Love is a losing game.

2010-03-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

Yes peeps.

To love is to lose.

Yet, I declared myself as a winner of this losing game.

So, where does that leave me?

and now, I guess....love is gone already.

I can't say I am happy...coz that contradicts my feeling for (I know who).

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for disappointing you. Sorry for not being there when you need me the most. Sorry I'm bad. Sorry for everything.

One thing I am not sorry about is....being with you.

I'll treasure those moments...coz I sincerely love you.

Weird when I have those beautiful pictures of a perfect family with you...but I seem to distant myself. Awkward. Stupid.

Admitting my mistake. Yes. My ego was too huge. I guess, it's too late now. I just realized that. How much I affected you...sorry.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd hug you and kiss your lips...adoring your moles...and say.."I love you.."

Shy? Discreet? Perhaps. I don't need to tell you those three words. You should know that by heart. And I don't need you to say those too...coz I know...somewhere in your heart..you do love me.

and I am thanking you for that. Call me a bitch for not being grateful...yeah, I am a bitch...I admit that.

I guess...I am a sucka for love...and a loser actually.

I love you.

If this means goodbye..then, I accept it...as it is my ignorance for not looking at you in the eyes.

I am sorry for everything.

Thank you for the sweet memories...I enjoyed every minute of it. You perfected me in many ways. It's hard to get such pearl like you...but I lost it along the way...

Yup, I am stupid indeed. Why? Why? Why? Maybe I am too crazy for you... You are such a goddess. I love your "childish" (but I like to call it as a baby-like) behavior...

I love you, I do...

Short-term Satisfaction

2010-03-19T05:47:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness. Just finished the assignment...(tho, it's just today's assignment)...i'm practically aware of my other assignments....

So tonight, I think I'll reward myself (after all rewards I've been giving myself lately).

I'll go for a movie or two...huhu...

C ya round peeps...

Urgh......

2010-03-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

It is so annoying.

Can't even get rid of the pictures from my head.

When will this pain go away???

Been living in fantasy...so inviting...

Reality check.."knock knock"...You can't always have what you want!

It's time to move on!

Get set, ready............run! Move along with the pace.

Now? Focus on study...\

Love expectation? Zero tolerance. No way. Not anymore.

Need analysis? I just need myself...the whole lot for myself...Just me, myself and I.

You? You were just my dream...Huhu.

TQ.

Stupid

2010-03-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

I feel stupid.

Do you know what stupid is?

Stupid is when you trust someone...who does not trust you, not even a bit.

Stupid is when you are being used without your acknowledgment.

Stupid is when you let someone secure a space in your heart when you have nothing in them.

Stupid is when you realize you can't adapt to their lifestyle...but you are trying hard to fit in.

Stupid is when you realize you are just being a toy.

Stupid is when you finally realize you are nothing more than a sex toy.

Stupid is when you say "I love you" and in return, you just get "Thank you" or "ok"

Stupid is when you don't speak their language and pretend that you are part of the clique.

Stupid is when you spend time with her, it is nothing more than mere waste of time, energy, money and life.

Stupid is when you feel hurt because expressing too much love, when in return...you are just on your own.

Stupid is when you know that the relationship won't work. Because, it is just you who works your ass off for that bond to spark.

Stupid is when you fall in love to a person who sees you as an insignificant character.

Stupid is when you let them treat you as a bimbo-kid and make fun of you.

Stupid is when you pretend to be 'cool' when you are not.

Stupid, stupid, stupid....

I feel stupid.

Being happy...

2010-03-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

Please God, let me keep this happiness for a while....

It's been a while since I have been this happy...

Now I remember how it feels to love and be loved. It is good. I love it. Thank you for showing me the love last night.

I like you, I do. You were so nice. You were good to me! Darn, I like you. I am glad that we both could share everything. Everything. Without any filter.

I like the way you smile. I like the way you touch me. I like the way you caress me. I like the way you hold my hands. I like the way you compliment me. It makes me feel happy. I like you!

I wonder if it's a sin to confess how I feel. I think I might love you. Thank you for loving me last night. I know you are flying tomorrow. I will be missing you...for...no matter how long you are going to be 'there'. I wish I can flee with you, but I can't.

I like the way you talk. I like the way you giggle. I like the way you laugh. It's so honest. I like the way you look at me last night. It's full of expression!

Before you leave, I must say.... "I love you!"

I can't wait to be in your arms again.

[lovebird]

The Noise

2010-03-05T20:09:00.000-08:00

The noise.

It's too loud!!!!

I can't get it off of my head!

Is this the burden I have to carry for the rest of my life?

The freshness of the voice, it's painfully annoying at times...

But, it also soothes my heart some times...especially when I am feeling awfully low...

.................

Life in retrospect pov. The day mummy left. The machines. "Tetttt.... Ninong, ninong...tuut...pleeet.....ting ting ting...treeeet...trett....tuuuut...tnnnnnnnnnnnnt...tenong tenong...."

Arrrgh, please go away...

It makes one's soul depress...n sad listening to the playback all over again. The day mummy left, I was there....Abah was there. Haikal was there too. We were sad. We cried. We hugged. We talked. "We've tried everything...but...-abah"

I don't know. That day seems like it's just yesterday. It is still fresh and vivid in my mind. I felt the pain and struggle for living through her eyes......

...............

Rase mcm baru semalam. The sound of those machines. Bising. Pening. Chaos. Bilik penuh dgn doctors and nurses. Dr. Lum was there. So that his assistant. Dr. Awal too. Sister pun datang. Mok Ha was crying, trying to calm her down.

"Asyhaduallailahaillallah...". "Mengucap Lily, megucap..." That's what she said.

Abah genggam erat tgn kanan mummy.

"Ingat Allah 'mi'... asyhaduallailahaillallah....waasyhaduannamuhammadurrasulullah..."

Her eyes....ke atas, ke bawah....what seemed to be obvious was her white eyes.... They said; "malaikat is pulling her soul..."

Dr. Lum panggil abah. Aku ikut. I was next to abah. "There's nothing we can do...Now is the time. We just wait for her to 'leave'..It won't be long... Do pray a lot..." Doctor Lum was very nice. He calmed us.

Ade sorang sister keluar. "I'm sorry..." Abah and I went inside (Room 418). Mummy was gone. "Innalillah.." The machines; "Teeeeeeeeeeeetttttt..." Blood was everywhere. My purple t-shirt was covered with some blood splash. Sayang nak basuh, I kept it in store. Mok Ha jatuh, she cried. I hugged her; "Sabar Mok Ha, dy dah xde...kene trime...Kite yang idup, kene teruskan..." I cried. My strongest weakness is that I can't stand...looking at crying people. It hurts my heart.

Tak sempat mummy nak balik umah. Tak sempat cium aiman and alya hari tu. Budak budak tu tak tau ape pn... The hospital looked like a big playground for them.

Nurses cuci mummy. Mummy punye favorite dress da basah dgn darah. Kitorang tukar. Mummy looks peaceful and calm. Pagi mummy pergi, dy tersenyum. Maybe dy dah tau. Who knows. At last, mummy dipakaikan baju kurung bunga2 yang baru buat. Sempat jugak dy pakai... Pastu, dorang bawak mummy pergi mandi and solat jenazah dkat nearest masjid. Hospital tu x provide service mandi jenazah and everything. Baju last mummy pakai....errmm....baju putih tu la kot....

Sume org sedih. Sume in deep shock. Abang Yo x stop nanges. Sume sedih. Tapi, dats life. Ari ni kite ade, esok kite pergi. Crazy kan, kite cume singgah skjap je.... I've learned that...we are not here for long, so we must treasure every single moment we have and use it wisely...Kalau x, menyesal nanti...

The machines dalam bilik mummy. The noise. Everything. Sume senyap. Tetibe dah xde bunyi. Selama sebulan lebih aku berkampung kat Hospital KPJ Damansara, x pernah satu saat pun mesin-mesin tu senyap. Sume on for 24h monitoring. Nak tido pun, dgr bunyi mesin. Sbab, anything can happen. Memang kene bersedia dari awal.

Teringat pulak kat giliran yang abah buat. My shift untuk jage mummy started from 11pm sampai 630am. Haikal punye shift, pukul 7pm sampai 11pm.... Abah pnye shift...siang hari...from 630am sampai petang. Kadang-kadang abah tertido, same goes to me. Kene stay up, monitor mummy...lap lendir yang keluar from her mouth...Xnak dy rase x selesa. Nak tunggu nurse, lambat..sbab simple things mcm tu kitorang bole buat...

Slalu sembang dgn mummy. Mummy x boleh bercakap. Dy tulis. Sometimes, banyak sampai 7-8 page sekali tulis. Mummy seorang yang kuat. Baru lpas major operation, da start tulis macam-macam. Mood dy slalu swing. Kene sabar je...kalau kene marah... Banyak kali mummy nanges sbab org x paham ape yg dy nak... Mummy x tau sign language...sbab 'bende' tu dtg tanpa diundang. So, x sempat la nak register sign language pnye kelas.

Mase kat Hospital Pakar Kuantan, mummy boleh lagi bangun, nak gi toilet ke...nak duduk ke... Tapi, lepas dy pnye gastrostomy n tracheostomy operation, dy da x bole bangun. Nak duduk pn susah. Sakit. Sakit tengok mummy mcm tu, tapi sakit lagi diri tuan punye badan yang menanggung. Mummy x boleh makan. Minum pun sakit. Doctor kene operate lagi... Mase operation, jantung mummy stop due kali. Abah was prepared if anything goes wrong. I was there...the whole time, next to abah. Dr. Awal frust sbab operation x smooth. Sepanjang dy jadi doctor, dy x pernah skali pn fail... He almost cried.

Mase operation tu, balloon tube from the gastrostomy pnye previous operation pecah. Balloon tu pecah dlm perut mummy. Doctor kene pasang yang baru. Mummy sakit. Mummy x tahan. Mummy slalu rasa x selesa...dy amek masa panjang nak adjust and adapt dgn balloon yang baru. Susu yang nurse masukkan from the tube, slalu meleleh keluar. Mummy sakit. Mummy slalu menangis sbab sakit. Aku x bole tgk mummy nanges. Bile dy nangis, aku pn mule nak nangis.

Machines. Noises. Bising. Mummy x bole tido. Kitorang tanye doctor if bole ke mute. Sorang akak nurse cantik..orang sabah...dy mute kan. Mummy bole tido dgn aman.

Tiub kat leher mummy panjang. Slalu ganggu dy. Sometimes oxygen x masuk dgn proper kt tube tu. Mummy sesak nafas. Emergency lagi. Msuk ICU lagi. X tau da brape kali mummy masuk ICU. Kadang-kadang darah block salur pernafasan mummy. Mummy da x bernafas from her nose or mouth. Mummy completely depends on oxygen coming through the tube. Tapi dy masih bole tersenyum.

Mummy kuat. Mumy slalu bagi nasihat kat aku and Haikal. Mummy suruh tolong tengok-tengokkan aiman and alya. Mummy tulis surat. Nanti bile aiman and alya besar, they will understand. "Mummy xde niat pun nak tinggalkan sume orang. Mummy sayang sume. Mummy sayang Faez, Mad, Haikal, Aiman, Alya...Mummy sayang abah...Mummy mintak maaf kalu ade terbuat salah dengan sume orang" Aku cakap.."mummy x pernah buat salah pun....kitorang banyak buat dosa kat mummy...please forgive us" Mummy nangis.

Mummy slalu nangis...dy slalu rase otrg x sayang kat dy. Mummy slalu rase sunyi. Mummy sedih x dapat dukung alya. Mummy sedih x dapat teman aiman pegi tadika. Mummy slalu rase org x paham the pain yg dy go through. I understand. We understand.

Mummy rindu nak makan nasi. Mummy rindu nak minum air teh susu. Mummy nak minum jus buah. Tapi, Doctor Lum x bagi. Nanti nurse marah. Mummy slalu tanye kitorang; "Sedap x makanan hari ni?" Pastu dy senyum. Mummy suke tgk kitorang (Abah, aku and Haikal) makan same-same as a family. Mummy rindu nak hidangkan nasi kat abah. Mummy rindu nak masak Nasi Tomato favorite aku. Mummy rindu nak masak kt kitorang sume. Tapi, nak angkat sudu pun rase susah. Mummy dah x mampu buat sume tu.

Mummy sayang sume orang. Sume orang sayang mummy. Aku sayang mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu angkat mummy. Aku rindu nak cium dahi mummy. Aku rindu nak lap hingus and air liur mummy. Aku rindu nak sikat rambut mummy. Aku rindu pakaikan bedak sejuk kt muka mummy. Aku rindu nak urut kaki mummy. Mummy suke kalu aku urut kaki dy. Dy slalu lenguh...sbab x bergerak g mane2... Aku rindu pakaikan tudung kt mummy. Aku rindu amek air smayang untuk mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu dy.

Orang cakap dorang paham what we went through. Tengok dari luar mmg paham. Kite yang merase....sabar je la. What happened to mummy. The loss. Aku jadi strong. Aku jadi seorang yang menilai kehidupan from different angle. Hidup ni sekejap je. Aku puas...aku puas tengok mummy senyum hari last dy kat bumi ni. Aku puas dapat jage mummy. Aku puas.

Satu je aku x puas, aku x puas dgr bunyi bingit mesin-mesin kat hospital tu. The noise...peneman tidur aku. The noise. Buat aku terjage waktu malam. The noise, buat aku berhati-hati dgn mummy. The noise, buat aku berdebar-debar. The noise, buat aku menangis.

Mummy slalu cakap "Jangan nangis"...Tapi, bile mummy nangis, aku x dapat tahan.

Now? Aku da x menangis lagi. Sebab mummy dah x menangis. I promised mummy to take good cares of aiman and alyaa. I love them.

Finally, last night...aku mimpi...that akhirnye, aku dapat let go. AKu dapat lepaskan mummy. Goodbye mummy. Now, aku rase, da boleh kot aku delete sms terakhir from mummy dlm phone aku. Aku mungkin dapat delete nombor mummy from my phone. Kalu call pn, bukan ade org jawab...........

I love you mummy. Assalamualaikum.

My favorite girl...

2010-02-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

My favorite girl would be someone who can easily make me smile, laugh and make me forget all miseries and pains I am going through.

If I ever find someone like this, she is my utterly pretty lady. No matter how bad people look at her, she will always be my pretty lady.

Trust? Of course. Without trust, nobody can work on any sort of relationship.

If that girl does exist, she and I will live and learn to accept each other no matter how flawed we are.

There's a part in me craving for happiness, just like everybody else. I'd be lying if I refuse to be happy.

Am I asking too much? I think I am not. Who am I to ask for perfection from others when I am filled with flaws and imperfections?!

I believe she is out there, somewhere. I believe she is looking for her right man as well. God is fair. One day, we will meet in the middle on our way back down to earth, insyaAllah...

ameen.

;p

............................

Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris - Baby

2010-02-19T21:35:00.000-08:00

Latest single by JB!!!

A blind boy...

2010-02-16T03:07:00.000-08:00

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon, the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked; 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'

The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.'

What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."

.....................................................................

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling.
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it...

Hey Jude

2010-02-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am so in love with this boy! (Not in a negative way!)

You've never felt pain until you've felt love.

2010-01-31T00:07:00.000-08:00

I miss you...

I miss every single part of you...

I even miss the smell of your hair...

You used to bring me along to watch those silly movies...

You used to hold me in your protective arms...

You used to treat me for delightful dinners...

You used to make me laugh for hours and days...

You used to protect me from dangers and harm...

You used to fight for me and rescue me...

You used to cuddle me and make me giggle...

You used to comfort me whenever I am having breakdown...

You used to drive me around and stroll across the park...

You used to wipe my tears and my sweat...

You used to lean on me and hear me out...

You used to text me every single day...

You used to poke me like a child...

You used to say those three words; "I love you..."

Now, losing you....make me feel even worse.

I miss you.

I love you.

But I know I can't have you.

It's true after all when they say; "You've never felt pain until you've felt love."

Thank you for the memories together.

Genap sebulan...

2010-01-21T03:08:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow: 22 January 2010.

It will be a month already since mummy left us.
I miss her.
I miss my family.
I hope she is doing somewhat OK over 'there'.
For what is worth, she won't be suffering anymore, ameen.

To mummy,
The time we spent together,
was a great time I explored my life.
The days we pulled through together,
were the best days for me to really know you.

It is unfair
If I ask God to bring you back,
If I ask God to switch place with you,
If I ask you to come back
and take me with you.

They threw the shirt into the store room.
They do not wish to see the shimmering blood stain.
But, until there's moon,
the blood won't shine again.

To abah,
Through my eyes,
You have been so strong.
Through their eyes,
You are nowhere near wrong.

I am proud to see someone who still stands tall.
I am proud to pull you from the miserable fall.
I am proud to call you "My all"

The time will pass by,
It will stop and say "Hye!",
Just reminisce those pretty eyes,
and say "Bye, bye pretty eyes!"

To Aiman and Alyaa,
You are small,
but not little.
I'll help you crawl,
so you won't be belittled.

Together we face the world.
Though reality seems harsh.
There's no reason to depressingly swirl,
Standing tall and have pride is a must!

Just because this looks unfair,
It does not mean to retreat from joy!
Just because they will stare,
It does not mean we should play their toys!

To everyone,
Hang in there.
Because God is fair.
One day, the sunlight will fall down to the stairs!
One day, we will shout to the air...
That WE HAVE EACH OTHER TO CARE!!!

Top 5 Worst AI audition

2010-01-18T03:52:00.000-08:00

Can 2010 audition beat this? Wait & C...

Whataya Want From Me

2010-01-17T05:26:00.001-08:00

Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me

Dia; si pemalu....

2010-01-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

Shy shy cat, shy shy cat...

Shoo shoo, go away...main jauh-jauh...

Today, I met someone who was utterly shy. To an extreme level, this person would not even look at me...All he did was 'staring' at the floor...while belek-belek some magazines, CDs etc...

Could it be me who's not good looking enough? Or could it really be that he's an extreme introvert?

Somehow, I did get a way to break the ice...and broke the silent mold. We struggled to make 'nice and decent' conversation though.

He's cool somehow. He taught me a bit about Chinese culture, the meaning of every crystal we found and many things regarding the Chinese New Year. Al-maklumlah, his festivity dah dekat....

He offered me many things, but I had to refuse. Mostly, it's because they were not my cup of tea. I had zero interest in those stuffs especially the stones; Wealth, Money, Health, Love, etc. - which cost almost RM450 each. Motif???!

He even brought me to a Chinese restaurant but I had to pass. "Oh, u can't eat here right?! It's non halal...Sorry". Tau pun. Motif ajak aku pegi situ??? Agak-agak la weyh...

He's a good friend, I think. Perhaps, it's too soon to read a character based on first meeting.

It's a nice day to hang out with a shy person like him. After some series of persuading me to hang out together, I finally agreed to go out with him, albeit reluctantly. So, thank you for today. ;p

Moved..........spiritual barakah?

2010-01-13T00:32:00.000-08:00

Time is the essence of every human's life. Time is the key to set things straight, right where it used to be. Time is the ordeal that makes you want to forget. Time kills whoever gets in between; sometimes. Time is the greatest teacher in our lives.

Along the path, people make changes. They alter their lives. I am talking about the path of life. When changes happen, it affects what surrounds them; the society. Sometimes, the decision is horrendously awful. Sometimes, it is inexplicably wonderful. Most of the times, it is just merely a standard decision.

Have you ever made stupid decisions in life? I have. Have you ever felt any regret? I have. Have you ever wished that you can turn the hands of time? Absolutely. However, what's done is done. Turning back seems to be invalid. Even if you may successfully change the past, it will one way or another affect the future. So, be it.

Actually, what I am about to write is a bit contradicting to the 'so, be it' theory. There is one thing that makes me feel dispirited; FAMILY issue. Contradicting, arguing and fighting. Who does not do that? How long has it been since you last fought with your parents? For something which is so ridiculously absurd???!

I wish I can switch and alter the past into something colorful rather than red. I despise myself for arguing too much with my dad. I hate myself for not being so attached with him. I hate myself for hating him, mostly. People keep telling me that it's 'hormonal' thing or whatever. But, I am not a 100% believer so I don't really buy that.

Do you believe in realistic idealism? It's a philosophy based on evidence. It is a philosophy about humanity. One way or another, it involves what surrounds us. According to this, the dynamics of family interaction shapes the result of a person. It shapes the attitudes of a person. So, if a person is unattached from his/her parents, he/she is most likely to end up...questioning about their lifestyles, the decisions they make and also...questions about God and faith.

Of course, I am not a total holder of such philosophy. Yet, I question a lot. I admit, I had series of painful memories during my childhood where most decisions were made by my father. But, I rebelled. I went across the fine line (between right and wrong), again drawn by him. Back then, I did not see the implication of my reactions. I might have won the battle of freedom, but I have lost to the lovable karma.

A word to attend to; "BARAKAH". What brings barakah into this life? What is best for us? Yesterday, I had a class (C.I.E) with a great persona; Puan Rohaya. She talked about barakah and happiness. It MOVED me somehow. I was crying...deep inside. I believe what she said. It's true.

Barakah of a child comes from his/her parents. According to her, happiness only derives with the presence of barakah. If a parent is unhappy with you (yourself/your decisions in life/both), it's hard for barakah to shine. You might be happy today. What about the day after? That's how it works.

I feel the pain. I feel the loneliness. I feel the unhappiness and the never-ending desire to love. I feel them. I don't see the barakah in my life. To some extent, I feel like I am unwanted in this life; that I am just another loveless boy in the world. Quite an issue, eyh. But it's true.

After the class, I promised myself not to make my father unhappy again. I wish to make him happy; for him and for me. I love him, I do. I regret myself for rebelling against him. I regret myself for winning most of the fights. I regret myself for hurting him. Above all, I regret my brainless decisions.

Barakah. Will it ever shine in me? Will it touch my heart? I hope my life will be filled with happiness and barakah one day. I hope I will be happy with whatever still left of me. I hope. I wish.

To all out there, respect your parents, love them, make them happy even though if it means to suppress your thoughts and emotion. Most of the times, they know what's best for you. They are all you've got.

Strive for your happiness fulfillment and barakah!

I'm bored...

2010-01-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am bored.
I am bored with them.
I am bored with the plans.
I am bored with everything.
I am bored of being so bored.
I am bored with the games we play.

On top of it all, I am tired of this endless boredom.

2010: New Year, New Me...

2009-12-31T06:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! ;p

Another year to celebrate the aging self! I'm old...snap...grrrrrr....22!

This means: CHANGE!, CHANGE!, CHANGE!

Time to grow up and be strong! Yeah........

Time to excel in everything! Gambatte!

Time to be myself and do my own things!

It's a beginning of a new me...huuuuuuuuuuuu....

Happy new year peeps..;p

Gone

2009-12-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

She's gone.

No more Ju.
No more Mummy.
No more Mok Cik Ju.
No more Kak Lily.
No more Puan Julia Fardilla Abd. Jabar.
No more.

Coz she's gone, peacefully.

When?
11.00am, 22 December 2009.

Where?
Damansara Specialist Hospital.

Al-Fatihah.

Please pray for her....

2009-11-29T04:01:00.000-08:00

My mummy is currently undergoing some major surgeries at KPJ Damansara Specialist Hospital. It is going to take some times there. Thus, I hope she will get loads of wishful prayers on her behalf.

She is diagnosed with "Advance Tongue Cancer". Even though the doctors (Dr. Lum Wah Heng and Dr. Awal) said..the chances may be 50-50, I still keep my hopes high. I believe she is not giving up and neither do I. I still hope for some miracles to happen.

I thank you for your kindness in advance. Thank you for staying with me and standing next to me through these hard times.

May Allah bless us all, ameen.

Pengakuan...Aku rindu sangat-sangat kat...

2009-11-10T23:27:00.000-08:00

When I was small, I loved to sit on my grandfather (Tok Bob)'s lap and watch TV. Sometimes he would point out what was in real world; deaths, wars, car accidents and what was not. For instance; the talking cat.

"Isy isy isy, mane ade kucing boleh bercakap...that's nonsense.."

My mama passed away when I was very young. Tok Bob took over the role since then.

Whenever I asked: "Mama gi mane Tok Bob?", he would sit down and make up stories about it. Mostly, it was about some angels who have invited my mum for a visit...or something like that. Sometimes, we held our moments by turning pages from the old picture albums.

I was concerned, of course. The idea of death was a big thing for a 9-year-old to get a handle on. I did love the way he made up bunch of stories so I would not be sad.

One day, I asked one of my teachers at school (Puan Zabedah) about what happens to people like Mama. I was in standard 3; 3 Bestari, formerly known as 3 Biru.

She explained. When a person dies, only the body dies. Another part; called the spirit survives. We do not know that for sure. But if we believe something deep inside even though we cannot prove it, that is called FAITH. She made me believe that Mama is still around though.

Yup, I have to admit that she produced amazement and an inquiry which lasted the whole year. ;p

Abah told me that people who are not with us at the moment...sort of hang around with us for as long as we remember them. He always reminds my brothers and I to remember Mama all the time.

See, I have quite an overflowing ideas of death when I was young. It's the memory which keeps me company most of the time. Creepy? Nope. It's sanity.

Living with quite a number of unexpected deaths around makes me...somberly depressed at times. I hate looking at how people react towards me. I hate the saying; "Kesiannye, kecik-kecik dah takde mak..." I hate that. I don't need their pity. Honestly...because I had Tok Bob!

Today, Tok Bob is no longer around. I cannot hear his animated voices anymore. I cannot hear his shouting; "Faez, Mad, Haikal..Mari makan!" I cannot feel the warmth he used to spread around the house anymore. I cannot taste the secret fish curry recipe anymore. I have nobody who would share his life experience and to tell me a story or two anymore. Above all, I have nobody who would make up stories and jokes about death anymore...because he had left me forever.

I miss him a lot. Aku rindu sangat-sangat kat arwah Tok Bob. At this point, I really can't afford of losing someone very special. Why? Because I am not good in making up stories to those who may ask afterward...

P/s - To those who have lost their special ones, please remember them. The memory is sweet and needs to be passed on...as long as we live. It's how we make them live around us.

Al-Fatihah to those we lost and we dearly loved.

Success behind the flaws...

2009-11-08T23:47:00.000-08:00

Success? Perhaps.

People won't stop judging until they see the subject falls. People will only stop at two; 1. The subject ridiculously falls like what they assume OR 2. The subject successfully proves the ridiculous theory wrong.

Why? Oh well, it is just the nature of human being. We can't be free enough to see others happy. There must be something we can do to point our flawless criticism.

It's itchy on my back. Seriously it is... It's like living with fungus all around you. Everywhere you go, people are eyeballing on you. They just wait for the right moment till you make even a simple mistake. They know how to tackle your fragility.

I have no idea...I think, it's nothing but a guaranteed excitement to judge others.

I come with flaws. I am not perfect. But who are you to judge? The decision I have made was totally under no influence of my personal being. It was totally professional. And I am proud to say, "It's a success!"

At this point, you are still digging for my dirt. By all means, please do. While you are busy digging, I am already on top. Where are you? Seriously, do you want to be on the bottom forever? Come on, work with me here... God does not change your fate! You have to work to attain perfection dude! Money does not come easy. Go figure.

I will try to serve you with a smile on my face. It's true I am lack of the expertise you're looking for. But darn it, I like your attitude, bashing me like that.... Don't I deserve any applause upon my success? Damn, I worked hard for it! Spare me some credit will you.

I therefore like to call it.."Success behind the flaws". It's another trek to my freedom.

Lastly, do your best in whatever things you do best. As I will do my best to achieve great things ahead. Sayonara to you (waving goodbye).

Long Trek to Freedom

2009-11-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

Long Trek to Freedom

I am caught up in the desperate struggle against my inner self.
"Should I brutally hit my lustful desire or
should I just kill myself instead?"
I realize; this is somehow a battle to survive.
I need a precise word to change...'DETERMINATION'.

To live is to make decisions.
"Why did I choose this path?"
Let me reflect on how hard for me
to hold my attention upon changing.
I just don't have the ENTHUSIASM anymore.

The blood bath has begun since my secondary years.
Those were good years but I have wasted my years of purity.
As I yearn for changes, I lost my focus when I should
be concentrating on my studies in my hostel.
"Where have I been?", "I have been in prison!"

I have been living myself on the run for too long now.
It never stops... The longest effort lasted only for 3 weeks.
Yet I am running again.
I am running towards the darkness.
I have to admit... it's a journey to hell.

I am still hoping... for a surprise package to knock my door.
A package of freedom, free from this lust.
"It can't be far now... I am nearly out of prison."
I want my poetry to be read by them.
So they see my trek to freedom is nothing but a fight.

by aNs, 8 Nov 2009

Rebound

2009-11-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

Yup. It is definitely a positive note for me after the past few weeks of decline.

With the current direction, I should probably be looking ahead for the release of my wretchedly unhappy life.

This emotion keeps on bouncing whenever firm tragedy/dilemma/misery happens.

Nevertheless, I am looking forward for this weekend. Here in Terengganu, we are celebrating the weekend beginning from Friday. Nobody works on Friday here. To this date, my pre-weekend plan are:

- Bathe CT, clean her nest and feed her as usual,
- Go to Pasar Minggu and buy something(s),
- Tahlil, Yaasin and Solat Hajat for mummy and arwah Tok Bob,
- Do laundry,
- Avoid any lustful interaction with anybody.

I hope I will gain something good this time though the negative counters are unchanged. Can I trade this misery instead? Is there anybody out there wants to trade their merrily blissful life with me? A split share perhaps? 50-50?

No matter how much effort I put to walk away from the misery, it will all end up in a perfect, untouched list. It is like nothing has improved and they will be re-listed after the completion of its prior restructuring list...which I did long ago.

Bottom line is; I should not walk away from the test anymore. Life is in fact a terrible test. What's in front of me is fated and I should accept it like a man. Even if it means to let go of someone very special.

I have learned to accept this fatal fate. Life goes on. That's what people told me.

After this weekend and the following weeks, I hope the turnover will be great. If 'great' sounds a bit far-fetched, 'better' is more than OK. I just hope I can once again be the alacrity boy I used to be.

That's all for now. Toodles.

Dear Witheld,

2009-11-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

30 Oct 2009; 1.13a.m.. Witheld 'called'..or miscalled, I suppose.
31 Oct 2009; 12.45p.m.. Witheld called but I was away. How unlucky.
1 Nov 2009; 10.38p.m.. Witheld called but I accidentally pushed the red button. How stupid.
2 Nov 2009; 1.17a.m.. Witheld called. It was raining. Thunders were shouting at each other. I would not dare answering the phone, so I rejected the call. How ridiculous.
3 Nov 2009; 1.30p.m.. Witheld miscalled for 2 seconds. WTF?!

(Sigh). I thought I have gotten rid of Witheld. Why me, why now? Why can't you just let me off and enjoy this luxury of freedom? Why do you have to toy with my emotion and feeling when you left me long ago?

How I wish I have never met you... Those unlucky night.

Oh. That's pretty much about my sigh for Witheld. Gone. Yup. Witheld's gone now. Uwaaaa.... Why has Witheld gone? Did Witheld leave a message? NO!

Now, I am proceeding to blow my nose with a loud trumpeting noise so that Witheld fall back, alarmed.

Oh no I am not. I have come here to say something important and that I am about to say it...now.

I say, "I'll do it my way!" I will stand on my own stool. I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to ask me out for one night and leave me forever the next morning, again. I am sorry. I have to pass on that.

See, you took me in quite improperly. You introduced me to your weird friends. You left me watching "The Late Show with David Letterman" that night, all by MYSELF. And you? You were having loads of fun downstairs. Boo! You are an old man to the life. And how do you make yourself cute? Oh yeah...you cheated me with your charm.

I was practicing this disguise when you came. Obviously, I failed. I was not as good as you...and your friends. I am no match to you.

You are a marvel, Witheld. Honestly, you are. You showed me the best place to land my feet on that night. Incredible. You made me feel good about myself. Awesome. Your voice and your laugh... I can't buy them. Damn, I am wonder-struck by your charm!

No, I should not! No! Stop it! Stop calling me please. You know I can't hide my lust on you.

Whoa, take it easy Niza! Your sympathetic!? A good combination of sympathy and pathetic? Yeah....

Ok.. I am coming back to my senses.

Dear Witheld,
I just want to write you this. You are threatening me by interrupting my life plan. You'll hardly believe this but I do feel threatened. I need to move on Witheld.

Why didn't you slap me that morning? At least, I would get the warning. The warning that you'll leave forever and stay out of my radar.

Why do you have to call me using 'Witheld'? And how dare you get to me by simply saying; "Sampai hati tak call I!" For goodness sake, how am I suppose to call when I don't even have your number???! Poor me.

Thank you Witheld for giving me such a clip on my ear that I would not be able to hear you for months OR years OR ever again! Thank you.

Thank you.

-niza-

I wanna go to university because...

2009-10-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

Wake up...wake up!
The time is almost up!

Malaysian nowadays think that some universities are instruments for social policy. Are we playing a game here? What game are we in? Who's in and who's out?

Over the years, many has discussed an issue (I have no idea what the issue is). In my humble opinion, we have lead a misrepresented idea of social policy. We took the path and we can never revert! Stop looking at the past and start anew! If everyone shall aim for the past, I don't think we can unstitch the tangling ties. Can we?

Logically speaking from the mind, EVERYONE wants to go to universities. By right, competition level nowadays...is...immensely intense! Isn't that a good wake up call? I think it is...... Or is it just another brainwashing sentiment from (u-shud-kno-who)?

I am still dreaming I guess... I had dreams while I was sleeping... I have enjoyed the dreaming part...and I kept on dreaming without coming to my sagacious truth. Am I being overjoyed?

Is it time to wake up? Is breakfast ready yet? Too much sleep and excessive dreams make me forget the land I am living for...almost 22 years. I have spent too much time at Neverland. I guess, it's time to head back to my root.

WE have everything which first class universities would have. The facilities are awe-inspiring. BUT we have too mcuh of third class mentalities...Oh, I meant to say MUCH for MCUH.

Reflecting on my practicum days, a teacher (Mr. Selva Manoger) once said; "You guys are very lucky... You have everything! You have the best facilities to study. The problem is.. Most of you guys take it lightly because you know that..at the end of the day, THEY will provide you with everything."

I have to agree...because the 'MOST of you guys..' part includes me. I have been sleeping too much. I skipped classes...freely. I submitted my assignments...indolently. I read my textbooks...negligibly. I go to the library...hardly ever. Wow...looks like I am a quitter afterall...

To think that I managed to walk proudly around this university compound is rather embarrassing. I did not make full use of the privileges given. I have let myself down. I let my family down. I am such a waste for this country. I need to change.

I wanted to go to university because...I want to change.

Will I ever change?

Love me for me

2009-10-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling that I owe myself something. Love. I have not loved myself for quite a period. There's something missing in my life...It is 'love'.

I think I need love. I am incapable to live in this world all by myself. I need somebody to love and love me in return.

I guess, I am ready for love. There's no one really secured a space in my heart before. I don't think there's someone there at the moment either.

Could it be that I am just running in the same circle, with the same motion as before? Perhaps. But, it's ok. As long as I have Me, Myself and I, I'll be ok.

Therefore, I have decided to love myself...more.

I love myself.

To those out there, please love yourself! Give more chances of love for yourself! Open your heart to loving yourself...more!

I love myself!

Love me tender...

2009-10-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to say lately......
Just love me dearly and tenderly.

I will try my best to love you with all my heart.....
I hope you will stop the ridicule jealousy by trusting your heart.

I hope it'll work this time.....
Please be my partner of crime.

I love you.

It starts with a joke...

2009-10-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

People die out of jokes...
Reality check...TRUE!
Is it really necessary to have such joke as a medium of revenge???
Is it really ok till it results to death? Seriously, what kind of joke is that?
What purpose does it serve?
I was thinking...are we that ignorant??? I mean...us, with everything around us...

I need oxygen to breathe...

The truth is..I watched a movie just now; "Sorority Rows"...and..

I guess, I have loads of background schemata of "I know what you did last summer" as it became predictable...(mostly)... The killing was quite an improvement, I think...

Anyway, the story starts with a silly joke...and the joke...was DEADLY! How can you use a 'dead' joke to seek for revenge...(to get even with your bf/gf)?! Come on...

Seriously, people can die out of such silly joke.....

Is it?

2009-09-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Please tell me it's not over...before it begins!

I wish you could stay longer...but....it's only a wish...

and it won't come true...just want you to be happy all the time!

Fantasy

2009-09-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

It's an unfortunate gift...satisfaction may be negotiated.

FantaSIZE me in ur dReams.....

Double the spice if u treat me nice...

Need help?

Call:

012-in-ur-dreams bitch!

Obviously, I am an idiot!

2009-09-12T18:37:00.000-07:00

I had the craziest and cutest night ever last two nights. I had my awkward moment, meeting new people; whom in my opinion.........possess a high level of maturity. Not to mention, I was out of their world at times....

I was sleepy and I was bored for the first hour of silence. I talked minimally. I tried to open up by letting them see my sexy 'language' and sexy 'physical attraction'. Obviously, some of them were pleased...gosht I feel like a whore now.

I had no idea where we were, so I did not dare to leave....

Finally, I broke the awkwardness with the help of a new friend; whom shares the same age as mine. Thank you for that.

Later that night, it went crazy...with a crazy party going on, loud music, smokes, nice FnB...chocolate, ice cream.... Those people were actually good in pretending...so warmth and welcoming. They were good actors, I think (including me).

I had no idea what was I doing there. Seriously! Then, I sang some songs (karaoke) with some of them. Well, basically..they were out of tune except me who seriously made an effort to hit the right notes.

The party went on but I could not see where was the person who brought me there...Oh boy. I was left helplessly. I knew where he was...but I could not care less... I was enjoying the limelight given to me...

However, he finally said sorry...and brought me to another place... I thought we were heading home.... Nevermind...the night was still young...

We came to a cutest point of my life when we cherished everything we shared that night. I felt free. I lost all of my tight burdens. I love that moment. Well, it was just another cute dream, I think....

Now? I lost everything. Literally and figuratively. But I had fun... I enjoyed it. I blended in (after some series of struggle). I made friends. I loved the moments we spent together. Those are too cute to be true.

I don't think I want to walk on the same path again. Nope. Not anymore. I don't want to see them anymore, I think. Let it remain as a bittersweet dream. I got what I was looking for and it was more than enough already.

with love,
it'sjustme.

I'm not 12 anymore!

2009-09-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

Yup....I am well aware of the signals. I am not a 12 years old boy anymore.... SO, I fully understand.

Thanks for everything.

I feel free now.....like a bird soaring up high in the sky!

I am happy for you though.....;p

Keep on smiling, and be happy my friend. ;p

Review of my training months. (Part 2)

2009-09-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

"Creativity means believing you have greatness."
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Being a teacher does not mean that you only come to school to teach...
Along the way, you have to fill in whatever position the management gives you...
This is where your humility and professionalism are tested to a greater impact...

Having the opportunity of being a trainee at SMKSI has really opened my eyes, widely!
I did every single thing that the school asked me to....

If you think relief duty is heavy, think about...handling the school trip somewhere, teaching other subjects besides your option, preparing exam question (qualification is out of the box), handling discipline matters, leading a program, updating the lessons etc....

Sometimes, these things make you grow up... You will look at your life and others at a different angle...

I consider myself lucky as those experience were worth to die for...They say; "It's the politics at workplace or kerenah birokrasi.."

I'd say; "It's a new level of professionalism!"

Take it with open arms, look for sources and help...and you can enjoy the satisfaction..(satisfaction guaranteed!).

During my training days, I have taught more than one subjects. They were:

-English
-Pendidikan Moral
-Geography
-Pendidikan Seni Visual
-Mathematics
-Pendidikan Agama Islam
-Amalan Bahasa Melayu (for remove class)

I had no idea on how to execute my lessons at the beginning. Nevertheless, with the help of in-charge persons, I pulled myself together and I had fun...for myself and the students...Most of the times, games come in handy...

The students especially form 1 students, labeled me as "Cikgu teka-teki". Why? Perhaps I should ask 1D students or maybe 1E... Was it because I gave them too much riddles?

They are kids. Obviously they love games...As a teacher, manipulate those interest and make it into fun learning...Everyone can!

Along the way during my practicum, many things happened. I look at those as the bittersweet symphony of my life as a trainee.

I was offered for sex by a student...Tettt...reality check: It did happen!
I was called "Stupid!" right to my face by a student.
I was stalked by students.(still do ;p)
Students extremely fought in my classes. Blood was everywhere!!!
With these, skipping class is just a minute problem for us at SMKSI.
I handled it with dignity (^_^) though...I had no idea...being someone with power tested my credibility I guess.

I had so much fun during my training days. Life is full of colors. There are blessing in disguise for whatever happens.

It's not a fairytale anymore, having good students like other schools. I accepted everything with joy and laughter.

Auntie Liza told me once; "Cikgu, if you know how to look for fun at this school, then you should have no misery after this.."

It's true... Be creative...dig in and blend in with students...STUDY them! I managed to have fun and it's nothing but fun...(though sometimes I tend to hurt myself). I did silly stuffs sometimes.

I think that's all for part 2...I ought to take my shower now...

....to be continued....

I honestly miss u.

2009-09-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

Well..that's all..huhu...

I think I really miss u...so much...

I want you back CT!